God Loves You - Even If You're Divorced - Part 1

Disclaimer: Apparently after my initial posting of this, some felt it was my cryptic way of telling the world "what really happened" in my own divorce and in turn, have taken it upon themselves to create drama and spread lies. Please...to the ones this applies to: don't give yourself that much credit. This was written with the intent of supporting many people who I know that are wrestling with the struggles below - NOT of spilling the sordid details of my life or to be a cryptic tell-all. This blog will never be used for that intent. I have more class than that and I have no use for those who don't. If you've come here with that intent, please don't come back.

The past couple years have taught me a lot. I've gone through a divorce and as someone that believes deeply in God & Jesus, this was no light task. I chose to leave. And while I know that I sought God with every fiber of my being throughout the entire process, because my ultimate decision was to leave, my faith has been questioned from every angle. Many people seemed to understand the process of questioning things but very few actually offered me a moment of grace once the decision was made. I am grateful for the few that did; for those that were willing to see that my character had not changed throughout, that offered me the grace to take the time to open up as I needed to in order to share the pains and struggles that led me to this, and that understood that I could make this decision and STILL love and follow God the same way - that I hadn't forfeited my eternity in heaven because of it. I wouldn't be where I am now - the most emotionally & spiritually healthy I feel I've ever been - if it hadn't been for those people that chose to love me before they loved the rules. The love of those people are what have inspired me to write this post...

Divorce is NOT the end of one's relationship with God.

I'm not denoucing the word of God by saying this though I know there are many that will disagree with me. I know in my own life that the grace, direction & leading of God I experienced in this journey has been undeniable. I know that I'm not the only one who has experienced this. And unfortunately, I also know that there are few who feel that they can talk about this in Christian circles. It's all been something to just wrestle with until I see someone else going through it. Suddenly, it seems time to speak up.

I went to an incredibly conservative Christian college where the mere thought of divorce seemed to be a sin, let alone actually going through one. I was impressed when it was taught in a family psychology class that adultery does not only mean when a spouse cheats on another. Adultery is, in it's truest form of the word, a deep betrayal; a latin-english dictionary says: "a breaking of a marriage". We talked specifically in that class about what other forms of betrayal can fall in this category (this list is non-inclusive): addictions that one doesn't seek help for (or consistently "says" they will seek help but never truly make a change) including porn, alcohol abuse, substance abuse, etc.; physical abuse; emotional abuse; spiritual abuse; etc. Just because a spouse does not cheat on another through sexual infidelity, it does not mean that there aren't other betrayals worthy of severing the relationship. These betrayals create a relationship of toxicity and left untreated, can act as a cancer on one's emotional being.

I get incredibly defensive with those who chose to see this otherwise. I tend to believe that these people care more about their OWN interpretation of God's word rather than seeing people in a healthy place where they can know their savior more deeply. God calls us to trials but I think that we serve a sick god if he uses an abusive marriage or a perpetually toxic relationship to test us on that. You wouldn't want that for your best friend and if it were your child, your "mama bear" instinct would be turned on so fast that you wouldn't be able to see straight.

Matthew 7:9-11:  ⁹ “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? ¹⁰ Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? ¹¹ If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

Do you really think God loves you less than you love your own children? There's no way! While I believe whole heartedly that there is a time and place to give chances, make efforts, and to work towards reconciliation, I also believe that there is a time when enough is enough. Yes, God CAN work a miracle - of course He can! But there are times that God chooses to not to and to stay in the relationship creates just as much or more damage to our relationship with Him than if we'd stayed just to follow the law. Quite frankly, anyone who disagrees with me needs to know that God loves us a million times more than they believe in. You want to worry about where the sin is? It's believing so little of how God loves us that we put His law above His grace and in turn encourage people to stay where an emotional cancer will continue to eat away at them.

Part 2 - Believe that God loves you more!! Coming soon...

Gonna Celebrate!

Well, today was the day to weigh-in. I almost "forgot" for fear that PMS would still have it's hold on the scale and that it might show a gain (at one point I was up 6 pounds!!). I could handle posting a gain had I made bad choices but I didn't. I made lots of good choices this week and I didn't want to post a "bloated" weight. But...I decided that this time was for honesty across the board so I trudged on to the scale anyway.

And guess what?!?!

A 0.8 LOSS!!! Wahooo!!!!!!!! That's 9.2 pounds I'm down officially in 3 weeks! So I decided to take it another step and do my measurments. Down 4.125 inches all over!! Love it!! Oh this is great!!

Another thing to celebrate is that my boyfriend has been so supportive of me with this. When I switched out regular cream cheese for fat-free & fruit popcicles for ice cream, he said it was a good thing. He's been willing to try every recipe and even went for the turkey pepperoni even after initially saying "no way". He takes walks with me. He's asked me about how I'm doing when I log on sparkpeople and is truly proud of the accomplishments I'm making. And now, he's even talked of setting a goal for himself for this week. I love having him on this journey with me. He is the most supportive man I've ever known and I am incredibly blessed that he's mine. ♥♥♥

Another day of feeling incredibly blessed...

♥Meg

Meeting goals even if the scale and I disagree!

So I've been focusing more on working out this week while still maintaining my nutritional goals and despite that, the scale has been my enemy. Usually, I try to just weigh myself once or twice a week but when PMS kicked in last weekend and I watched my mid-week weigh-in go up on my actual weigh-in day (still a loss overall though), I can't seem to stay away from the scale. I just can't believe it - there's no way! Most days I've been well within my daily calorie range and exercising. How could I be gaining like the scale says?!? Well, I've decided I'm waging war against it and I'm going to keep doing what I know I need to be doing no matter what it says or how bezerk it is! Stupid numbers won't keep me down. I FEEL better - I'm focusing there!

So in fitness goal #1, I've been on the hunt for videos this week that are motivating for me to use for exercise. I checked out Netflix where there are TONS of videos on demand. I started with a 10 minute solution video and I love them! I love knowing that I've only got to get through those 10 minutes before it changes up. Today I did cardio, worked my abs and did yoga. I really like the mix-and-match aspect of them and there are SOOOOOOOOOOOO many of them. It'll be a while before I'd become bored with these!

The other goal I had this week is to find some type of fitness goal to work towards. I thought that a 5k was out b/c, due to my summer knee injury (I dislocated my kneecap - OUCH!!), I can't run. BUT, so many people suggested finding a 5k walk/run - what a great idea!! So I've done a hunt of 5ks in my area and I think the best one will be a 5k on November 13th in the Central Ohio area - it's a Turkey Trot for a local YMCA and sounds like it'll be a lot of fun. That gives me 30 days to prep for it. I'd love a buddy so if anyone in my area wants to join me, let me know! :)

So there, scale!

♥Meg

Time to up the ante

First, I have to say - I LOVE Spark People! Best website EVER for losing weight! The whole thing is so positive and encouraging and inspiring. Which leads to the blog title...

I've had times where I've lost weight before. Two significant times in my adult life where I shed quite a few pounds. One where I was eating healthy & exercising but lost steam after about a month. One where I was on Weight Watchers, not really focused much on exercising but stayed with the program about 6 months. This time, I know that if I'm going to have a lasting change on my health that exercise is not an option - it's a must. I've been SLOWLY working into it trying to build the habit: 10 minutes a day, everyday. In my first 16 days of the program, I've missed 2 but most other days I've done more than 10 minutes. I feel so good when I exercise. I know that I need to do it more.

Where sparkpeople comes in is that I feel so ENCOURAGED to do it. It doesn't feel like this "ugh...better check that to-do off the list..." feeling. It's more like, "wow - look at all she's done. If she can do that, so can I!" It also racks up your fitness minutes and I want mine to be up there - it's such an accomplished feeling! I can't believe that in 16 days where only 10 min/day was my goal, I've racked up 434 minutes! I know - doesn't sound like much to some but for me, that's huge!!

There's so many people doing a 5k and it's so cool to have that kind of a goal. I'm not a runner - my still-recovering knee injury from this summer won't allow it right now and I've never enjoyed it. But I do love to dance. I'm thinking there's got to be something I can do once my knee is stronger that I can look forward to like a 5k. Some kind of goal I can set. I just browsed Netflix and put 4 dance workouts in my instant queue - this week I'll have 2 fitness goals: 1) do all 4 of these workouts once and 2) find some kind of non-running, 5k-type goal that I can work towards with my fitness. Any SPs with ideas - I'm all for them!!

Here's hoping...no, here's to a great fitness week! :)

♥Meg

23/24 ain't bad

Today did not exactly produce a stellar report on the ole Nutrition Tracker. Not too incredibly horrible but it did remind me of the weight watcher days and thinking - this would've been a use-the-extra-35-points day! The kicker hasn't been so much in the amount that I've eaten; it's what I ate that got to me.

I've been on such a kick with this from a nutritional standpoint and being lucky to find some really great recipes that I hadn't really realized that since I started, greasy foods nearly went off my list. Even the pizza I blogged about last week wasn't greasy b/c it was all veggie toppings! So when I had 5 chicken wings today, I knew I was taking a calorie risk. I knew I was taking a risk w/my goals of where my calories come from (carbs, fats, protein). What I didn't even think twice about was the pile of lead that it would create in the bottom of my stomach and remain there aaaaalllllllllll day. Ugh...

You know, usually between something like that and the PMS and the cramps (sorry boys), I would've given up on the day. It would've been the same thing so many of us have struggled with - "well, blew that. I'll start fresh tomorrow - bring on the ice cream!" But boy does the tracker make a difference with that! ONE - who knew how many calories were in a lil itty bitty chicken wing?!? and TWO - holy cow...I've still got a shot of staying w/in my calorie range!! I did go a bit over but not anywhere near as much had I not paid attention in the meantime. And while I hadn't yet gotten my exercise in and wasn't sure if I would, I decided that I didn't want to go to bed w/o at least that sense of accomplishment so I did that (doing exactly what every expert will tell you - it made me feel better! Lead belly's still there but I sure feel better emotionally!)

So while I still sit here w/my stomach letting me know that we're not doing fried foods like that again for a while, I'm pretty proud. I didn't let it stop me from my exercise goals. I didn't let it carry over into other meals. Really, I just had one bad hour in my day. And I'd say 23/24 ain't bad. ;)

♥Meg

Today, I choose HAPPY

I'm a little emotional today...okay, a lot emotional today. Case in point: I watched a mini-documentary about this guy who had to put his dog to sleep b/c of cancer and nearly lost it...full-on sobbing, cascades of tissues, a big ole weepy mess. The kicker is, I have that want-to-cry feeling so badly that it actually felt good. I had a hard time getting to sleep and woke up super early. I'm tired. I'm emotional. Though I've ignored the calendar, I'm probably hormonal too. Whatever. The point is how I feel, regardless of how it came about, is like hiding away all day and crying.

But...I have a choice.

Yes, I feel this way and there's not much I can do to change my feelings. But I can choose to make my thoughts go beyond my immediate emotions. I can choose to find good in the day beyond the emotional mess inside of me. I can choose to keep this separate from my goals to be healthy. I can choose to not let this carry over to the others around me. I can choose happiness.

So I will. Today, I choose HAPPY.

My Reward List

Okay so I've seen a lot of people on SP have a "prize" list so to speak. It's really a reward list for meeting goals and I think it's time I've made one for myself. :) So here goes:

Lose 10 pounds: A cute, girly, very me & only mine (not just the boring stuff that's been beat up by my son) water bottle

Lose 15 pounds: A cute, girly, very me bag to use while walking (since I take the dog, I need baggies and a way to carry something for her to drink water out of; on no-pocket days which is most days, a bag is a must)

Lose 20 pounds: New outfit (hopefully to wear to Christmas parties!)

Lose 30 pounds: Plan a night out to the theater

Lose 40 pounds: Plan a creativity weekend (w/friends?) and go nuts @ JoAnn Fabrics!

Lose 50 pounds: Plan at least a 3-day trip to Nashville

Lose 60 pounds (GOAL): If it hasn't already been scheduled by other family members, schedule a family portrait; also, I'll need lotsa new clothes!

I think I'm most excited about the one I came up with for 40 pounds lost - the creativity weekend! If it's as motivating I think it will be, I may have to double it for my goal - since new clothes won't really be something I'd have much of an option about by that point! ;)

♥Meg