Week 40 Update - A balance

My little tracker on my phone app reminds me that as of today, I have 3 days until Sonnie's due date. I've been watching that ticker since it said I had 20-something weeks left. Now we're down to days. I can't believe it's here! She's going to be here any day now.

I know that not all babies come before their due dates. Or ON their due dates. Or even close to their due dates. There's a lot of them that go well past their due dates. Yet, last Thursday when I met with the doctor and she said that if I hadn't gone by this Thursday we'd be "making a plan," I took her seriously. Especially since she told me that if I were farther along, she'd just induce me then. With the potential gestational diabetes complications, I thought that meant this is what would happen and that today I'd walk out knowing the latest I'd be having my baby (and that it would fall into next week at the latest).

I don't know why I held onto that so much. I want a natural labor. I do NOT want to be induced. But, even though it's been well controlled, I am concerned about the risks of GD and what complications could arise in delivery and it gave me a positive behind the induction. I'd be okay. I would do my best to go natural even with the induction. I've dealt with a lot of "womanly" pain thru the years; this would just be the whopper and I'd get thru it.

Then today, what does she say? The EXACT same thing as last week: wait until your next appointment and then we'll set a date. I wanted to cry right there on the spot. And on the way home. And when I called my parents. And when I texted my brother. And when I emailed my cousin. And at dinner. And right now. It's ridiculous. I know that after discussing the fact that my GD has been in check all along, it's like the baby didn't experience it. She's not measuring big in any way and there's no indicator at this point that she is too big for a natural delivery. This is what I DO want - a chance to wait her out for a natural delivery. A baby that's so healthy we have the luxury to wait. It's just another week and she said we'd schedule it for early the next week so we're talking about 10 days, tops. NOT that big of a deal. So why am I so freaking emotional about it?

I'm reminded of an email a friend at work sent to me earlier this week. She just had her first little one last spring and she reminded me to cherish this time right now. It's special getting to be the one that carries her, feels her every move, knows when she's awake and when she's just hanging out. When she comes out, I'll be the only one that will know "so that's what you were doing in there!" I've been waiting for this feeling for over 8 years and it is more amazing than I ever could have given it credit for.

And this is where the balance needs to come in. Am I bummed that I don't have a more concrete date? Sure. But on the flip side, I will also cherish that I may have 10 more days (or who knows, maybe more!) to feel her flips and kicks and rolls and jabs and it just be the two of us. I get to have her with me anywhere that I go; I will enjoy it because I also know time will fly and it won't be long til I'll be crying because it'll be the first time I have to leave her.

So even though I'm going to let my emotions do their thing today and cry when I feel like it (hey, I am in my 40th week of pregnancy...I've earned the right to be irrational!), it'll be coupled with a joy of knowing her this close for a few more days and knowing that it won't be long at all until she's in my arms.

Right now life is so good: getting married in a few weeks, got a baby girl on the way, been spending lots of time with family, kids are doing well. There are a lot of things to be happy about and it's hard to not just want to get on here and write about the latest thing. (Like for example the gorgeous diamond ring that finally came in this weekend that's sitting on my left ring finger! Or even my first "the baby was kicking me here" story that I thought I'd only ever get to listen to rather than actually get to share! For the record, it was my bladder at the end of a 3 hour car ride which I'd already stopped to go mid-way as it was...just when I was thinking, "I can make it to the restaurant", she found a new play thing!! Thank God I made it!)

Today though, I've got something bigger on my mind...something that looks beyond what's happening right now and into our future. Eric and I have been watching tons of documentaries lately. Actually, that accounts for probably about 70-80% of what we watch as it is (not counting kid TV!) but in this whole living simply focus, we've really been paying attention to what types of food we're putting into our bodies. Partially a weight loss effort, partially an effort in getting the best nutrition to the baby but also a big focus on paying attention to what exactly it is that we're so readily eating that sometimes doesn't even seem to qualify as food.

What we're learning is that there's a LOT of bad stuff out there. It's hard to find quality food and when you do, get ready to pay for it. We've started out slowly by adding in a lot more fruits and veggies, trying to buy organic when possible (canNOT wait for the summer farmer's markets to start up so we can add 'buy local' to that list too!). We've also been trying to minimize the canned or packaged items where we can. The first several grocery bills were so high but in retrospect, the eating-out bills went WAY down...I didn't do all the math but I'd venture to say they at least came out even. We're learning as we go and keeping lists of the things we like and the things we don't and trying to put that level of variety we're accustomed to into this new plan but in some ways, it's not easy. It takes a lot of planning and some days for me, the baby just takes over and convenience wins out over the new plan. I am finding though that the old fast-food standbys are not as appealing anymore. The one time I gave into McD's, I ended up eating only half of it and regretting the first half. So even when convenience wins out, I find myself wanting the healthier options anyway...they just may not be as healthy as the organic produce in my fridge.

So food has been a huge focus but there are other things that I want to learn more about how to do something about it: the overuse of oil, the way corporate greed can and does win out over the welfare of humans, the detriment of plastics on the planet, especially because of bottled water...that's the latest one we watched. The documentary is called "Tapped" and it had me making a mental note of the last time I drank bottled water. Not only is the water not any better for you, but because of the plastic that it's bottled in, it's far worse. Municipal water is tested 300-400 times per month; bottled water has very little to no regulation over it at all. It has known carcinogens in it yet it's marketed as "pure". We again are suckers for the media spin and have bought into a huge lie.

It's all a lot to think about. I told Eric last night, "I feel like I need a big chart that shows all the things I want to research more and then to start systematically trying to do so..." because at this point, it just feels like too much to even try to figure out what my social responsibility is. But we have kids. And they're going to grow up in the world that we leave for them. And I'm a Christian. I believe whole-heartedly that God created this planet for us and it saddens me to see how we're destroying it. Plus, I think that the level of convenience and greed that has gotten us to this place to begin with is so far fetched from where God wants his people. There is more to life than the lifestyle we've come to call the American Dream. What is the saying, "all things are good in moderation"? But many Americans don't know the meaning of the word. And our mindset is infiltrating the rest of the world. And I think that it makes God sad to see us so engrossed in ourselves.

So where does that leave things? What is my social responsibility? What is my responsibility as a Christian? Right now, I think it comes back to a post I wrote earlier about living a simple life. Getting away from the greed of the last decade and embracing a new form of life. One that starts with making family & close friends a priority over soccer practice, dance lessons, church committees, and any other social committment that puts a priority over feeling important because of an overbooked schedule rather than in developing healthy relationships with those in your life. It's okay to make time for your passions but if there isn't a passion for it, it should be heavily scrutinized why it's on the calendar to begin with. Same with kids stuff: are they signed up for this b/c the child really cares about it or b/c I need to feel like super-mom? And no, they won't die b/c you made them choose between soccer and dance.

Making health a priority over convenience. I've heard the word "cancer" too many times and the more I research it, the more it becomes clear that it's not a phenomenon that it's more prevalent. The foods we eat, the packaging it comes in, the bottles we drink from, the pans we cook in...so much of it contributes to what is happening to our bodies. We need to stop listening to the mass media that tells us the convenience is good for us. The biggest scam that comes to mind immediately are the McD's commercials that tote a happy meal as being a good, healthy choice. Just because it's 100% all white chicken (yeah, right...maybe chicken-product but for the sake of argument...), doesn't take away the fact that it's FRIED. Wake up people!

Stop listening to mass media. Money is the root of all evil and media's main focus is money. Whoever has the most money are the ones with the best media, not those with the best products or information. We do not have cable in our house and honestly, I prefer it to stay that way. We do have Netflix but it does not come with commercials and the impact has been great. I know there is no way to keep my kids from all advertisement but the more that I can do my part, the better. Nearly any article you read about something having a negative effect on children or teens (obesity, bullying, video games, etc), mass media is somehow involved. The more a kid is exposed to commercials targeted at them, the more they are influenced. And no, the makers of that super sugary cereal or the latest & greatest piece of plastic crap don't care about the long term effects on your child. And finally (for now)...

Education, education, education. Learn more about what "healthy" means. Learn more about what God wants my role to be in all of this. Learn more about what my social responsibility is with this. The more I educate myself and learn how to care for myself and my family, the more I'm investing in their futures. It's not about a college fund anymore. In some ways, it's about survival. I can't keep them from every harm but I can make an impact in my own home. And hopefully that will carry over to my community and beyond. :)

Photo credit: http://www.toothpastefordinner.com/archives/2010/Nov/

A Life of Simplicity

I have learned so much in the last few years. I think one of my favorite lessons though is the joy of living simply. The more my life is bent this direction, the more I want it to be there. So much of my life before was so cluttered...and I'm not talking about the stuff that sits around the house. I'm talking about the calendar, the stress level, the go-go-go mindset, the caring too much of what impression I was making on others.

In doing so much I felt important but in stepping away from it, it seems that the feeling of being important and the feeling of treading water aren't all that different from one another. I was living to be pulled whatever direction everyone else was going to take me. In the quiet places I often questioned, is this really it? Is this really what life was meant to be?! Treading water wasn't exactly a lifelong dream of mine and my stress level was there on a nearly constant basis.

In the last few years I've really retreated from the world. Any limelight I previously held, I've done all that I can to minimize. Not so easy for this once hard-core Leo. I don't put much stock into the astrological stuff but I do find that I have definitely fit the Leo profile in my life - creative, extroverted, dominant. Leos LOVE the spotlight and I've never been one to shy away so this retreat of sorts has been quite a journey. It's been amazing though. I enjoy having time to really devote to my family & to my inner circle of friends. I enjoy the time that my fiance & my kids have together. Even in retreating from the world of mass-media some, I have really enjoyed not having cable TV; all I watch is Netflix and the lack of commercials has made quite an impact. The "I need it"s are minimized more than I would've imagined & my wallet is grateful.

I love taking the emphasis away from doing what will make everyone else happy and no longer throwing my own mental health to the curb in the process. I love finding the simplicity in my relationship with God as well. He doesn't complicate things as much as we do; learning that has probably been the greatest reward.

This is just the beginning of this journey but I like the direction I'm headed. I'm excited to find more ways to simplify. I want this because I think it's how God intended us to live. This race of having a million things on our plate at once seems to show up no where in scripture. Jesus took time to enjoy, get to know, and love the people around him. Living a life of complexity doesn't typically lend oneself to being available for this on a sustainable basis. But living a life of simplicity does. I think it is key to a live that is beautifully lived. And that's right where I want to be.

♥Meg

Photo Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/cliche/2963592522/

God Loves You - Even If You're Divorced - Part 1

Disclaimer: Apparently after my initial posting of this, some felt it was my cryptic way of telling the world "what really happened" in my own divorce and in turn, have taken it upon themselves to create drama and spread lies. Please...to the ones this applies to: don't give yourself that much credit. This was written with the intent of supporting many people who I know that are wrestling with the struggles below - NOT of spilling the sordid details of my life or to be a cryptic tell-all. This blog will never be used for that intent. I have more class than that and I have no use for those who don't. If you've come here with that intent, please don't come back.

The past couple years have taught me a lot. I've gone through a divorce and as someone that believes deeply in God & Jesus, this was no light task. I chose to leave. And while I know that I sought God with every fiber of my being throughout the entire process, because my ultimate decision was to leave, my faith has been questioned from every angle. Many people seemed to understand the process of questioning things but very few actually offered me a moment of grace once the decision was made. I am grateful for the few that did; for those that were willing to see that my character had not changed throughout, that offered me the grace to take the time to open up as I needed to in order to share the pains and struggles that led me to this, and that understood that I could make this decision and STILL love and follow God the same way - that I hadn't forfeited my eternity in heaven because of it. I wouldn't be where I am now - the most emotionally & spiritually healthy I feel I've ever been - if it hadn't been for those people that chose to love me before they loved the rules. The love of those people are what have inspired me to write this post...

Divorce is NOT the end of one's relationship with God.

I'm not denoucing the word of God by saying this though I know there are many that will disagree with me. I know in my own life that the grace, direction & leading of God I experienced in this journey has been undeniable. I know that I'm not the only one who has experienced this. And unfortunately, I also know that there are few who feel that they can talk about this in Christian circles. It's all been something to just wrestle with until I see someone else going through it. Suddenly, it seems time to speak up.

I went to an incredibly conservative Christian college where the mere thought of divorce seemed to be a sin, let alone actually going through one. I was impressed when it was taught in a family psychology class that adultery does not only mean when a spouse cheats on another. Adultery is, in it's truest form of the word, a deep betrayal; a latin-english dictionary says: "a breaking of a marriage". We talked specifically in that class about what other forms of betrayal can fall in this category (this list is non-inclusive): addictions that one doesn't seek help for (or consistently "says" they will seek help but never truly make a change) including porn, alcohol abuse, substance abuse, etc.; physical abuse; emotional abuse; spiritual abuse; etc. Just because a spouse does not cheat on another through sexual infidelity, it does not mean that there aren't other betrayals worthy of severing the relationship. These betrayals create a relationship of toxicity and left untreated, can act as a cancer on one's emotional being.

I get incredibly defensive with those who chose to see this otherwise. I tend to believe that these people care more about their OWN interpretation of God's word rather than seeing people in a healthy place where they can know their savior more deeply. God calls us to trials but I think that we serve a sick god if he uses an abusive marriage or a perpetually toxic relationship to test us on that. You wouldn't want that for your best friend and if it were your child, your "mama bear" instinct would be turned on so fast that you wouldn't be able to see straight.

Matthew 7:9-11:  ⁹ “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? ¹⁰ Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? ¹¹ If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

Do you really think God loves you less than you love your own children? There's no way! While I believe whole heartedly that there is a time and place to give chances, make efforts, and to work towards reconciliation, I also believe that there is a time when enough is enough. Yes, God CAN work a miracle - of course He can! But there are times that God chooses to not to and to stay in the relationship creates just as much or more damage to our relationship with Him than if we'd stayed just to follow the law. Quite frankly, anyone who disagrees with me needs to know that God loves us a million times more than they believe in. You want to worry about where the sin is? It's believing so little of how God loves us that we put His law above His grace and in turn encourage people to stay where an emotional cancer will continue to eat away at them.

Part 2 - Believe that God loves you more!! Coming soon...

Meeting goals even if the scale and I disagree!

So I've been focusing more on working out this week while still maintaining my nutritional goals and despite that, the scale has been my enemy. Usually, I try to just weigh myself once or twice a week but when PMS kicked in last weekend and I watched my mid-week weigh-in go up on my actual weigh-in day (still a loss overall though), I can't seem to stay away from the scale. I just can't believe it - there's no way! Most days I've been well within my daily calorie range and exercising. How could I be gaining like the scale says?!? Well, I've decided I'm waging war against it and I'm going to keep doing what I know I need to be doing no matter what it says or how bezerk it is! Stupid numbers won't keep me down. I FEEL better - I'm focusing there!

So in fitness goal #1, I've been on the hunt for videos this week that are motivating for me to use for exercise. I checked out Netflix where there are TONS of videos on demand. I started with a 10 minute solution video and I love them! I love knowing that I've only got to get through those 10 minutes before it changes up. Today I did cardio, worked my abs and did yoga. I really like the mix-and-match aspect of them and there are SOOOOOOOOOOOO many of them. It'll be a while before I'd become bored with these!

The other goal I had this week is to find some type of fitness goal to work towards. I thought that a 5k was out b/c, due to my summer knee injury (I dislocated my kneecap - OUCH!!), I can't run. BUT, so many people suggested finding a 5k walk/run - what a great idea!! So I've done a hunt of 5ks in my area and I think the best one will be a 5k on November 13th in the Central Ohio area - it's a Turkey Trot for a local YMCA and sounds like it'll be a lot of fun. That gives me 30 days to prep for it. I'd love a buddy so if anyone in my area wants to join me, let me know! :)

So there, scale!

♥Meg

Today, I choose HAPPY

I'm a little emotional today...okay, a lot emotional today. Case in point: I watched a mini-documentary about this guy who had to put his dog to sleep b/c of cancer and nearly lost it...full-on sobbing, cascades of tissues, a big ole weepy mess. The kicker is, I have that want-to-cry feeling so badly that it actually felt good. I had a hard time getting to sleep and woke up super early. I'm tired. I'm emotional. Though I've ignored the calendar, I'm probably hormonal too. Whatever. The point is how I feel, regardless of how it came about, is like hiding away all day and crying.

But...I have a choice.

Yes, I feel this way and there's not much I can do to change my feelings. But I can choose to make my thoughts go beyond my immediate emotions. I can choose to find good in the day beyond the emotional mess inside of me. I can choose to keep this separate from my goals to be healthy. I can choose to not let this carry over to the others around me. I can choose happiness.

So I will. Today, I choose HAPPY.

Good Choices - even with pizza!!

Yesterday was a GREAT day on the weight loss front! First, not only did I do my daily 10 minutes of exercises but I also broke out the Yoga & Pilates DVD - felt great! :) The second one I'm even more excited about. When trying to figure out what to do for dinner, it'd been a long day and no one felt like cooking so the "p" word came up - PIZZA. I remembered from my previous dieting days that I'd order pizza with peppers & onions, a thin crust, extra sauce & half the cheese. Our local pizza joint offers coupons that if you buy a large you get a medium for free so the boys got pepperoni on the large and I ordered my specialty on the medium.

When it came I couldn't find the nutrition info, I was hungry so I just gave up looking for it and ate what seemed a reasonable amount (about 1/4 of the pizza cut in squares; the equivalent of 2 triangle slices). I kinda wanted more but since I couldn't easily figure out the calories, thought I better stop there. After I ate, it finally dawned on me where I came up with the idea to order the pizza like that - Pizza Hut does a Fit n' Delicious menu. So I quickly search the calories on there thinking I'd probably at least gone to the top end of my calorie intake for the day if not over altogether. Well, I thought, at least it got my veggie intake up there between the sauce & the toppings.

Low and behold - I was fine!! Not only that but I still had about 200 calories to go before I'd hit the top range of my daily calories! I could've had more but by that point I'd been away from the food enough to realize I was actually full. Hmmmm...go figure! :)

Everyday there's a chance to make choices. Really every moment there is. It seems to me that the key is just getting the good to outweigh the bad. To choose the better over the good. The best over the better. Looking at it like that, out of bad, good, better and best I've got a 75% shot of picking a choice that puts me in the right direction. I like those odds. I'll shoot for best but when better & good are still chose over bad, I'll count it a success.

♥Meg

A Memorable Life

It's amazing the power a little cartoon can have. It wasn't all that long ago that a memorable life seemed to be overshadowed by the day-to-day.

Reaching for whatever I wanted to acheive seemed out of the question. So many ways I felt held back. This picture would've brought me to tears not too long ago. Not only did I feel like I chose the average road in a lot of ways but that I was stuck there with no say in what was to come.

Today I look at it though and I am happy, knowing I've chosen the path to the right. No longer at a crossroads or constantly feeling like I need to jump out of the car on the other road. I've also seen that I can make a choice in this...I don't have to stay on the road that's leading me to a place of unrest. I can chose the path of peace.

Yep...right where I am, today, is good. Tomorrow is gonna be better. And the prospects of the future are endless.

♥Meg