It feels good to grow...

I was just reading through one of my old journals this morning. It was from the hardest time in my life and while it's been on the shelf in the same spot for months, something about it caught my eye today. I picked it up and looked through it cover to cover - some reading in full detail, some just skimming it.

I just can't get over the differences between now and then. I mean, I could acknowledge the concrete differences which is pretty much everything in my life but that's not really even the part that stuck out to me. It was the differences in how I feel and who I am. Much of that time I felt so very torn - doomed to feel one way but to act another. An incredible amount of worry was directed to what everyone else thought of me - of making sure i's were dotted and t's were crossed. God forbid I do something that people didn't think was perfect. That journal was the beginning of letting that go and I was scared to death. And now, just a few years later, it's hard not to shake my head at myself then and say to the me of that journal: "if you only knew then what was waiting for you on the other side, you never would've let fear reign in your heart so heavily..."

It was a rocky time. I lost friends & respect through it. I believe though (and am grateful that) with some who took the time to look and that I let in, I gained a deeper respect and deeper friendship as a result. But what's made the deepest impact on me has been the ability to feel like my head & my heart match up - no more trying to believe one thing in my head while my heart is screaming something else. I think people will try to read more specifically into that statement than what I mean...it encompasses everything: my relationships, my beliefs, my day-to-day interactions. It's the letting go of over-analyzing everything to death, trying to figure out if it's the "right" thing or not without acknowledging that God speaks to us much more clearly than we're giving him credit to. Learning not to give everyone else's opinions more credit than I give myself.

It almost feels daunting to try to describe the difference in what peace and calm overrides my life now vs. then. I'm not saying this to vent about the past - I'm so far beyond that. But when I read the emotions I penned on those journal pages and knowing exactly what it all felt like, it's hard to not acknowledge the vast differences between then and now. It seems the only way to give the full credit to where I am now is to recognize how far I had been from it. I do recognize a conflicted heart vs. a peaceful one because I've lived it. I could tell in those pages that I was getting a taste of what it meant to live without the stress & conflict in my heart, and that I wanted it; but that I also seemed to have an inherent belief that life was just doomed to be so. My ability to believe in it needed a lot of work. And work I did. The evidence was so bold as I was able to read through the journal and recognize how far I'd come. Not only did I now believe that life wasn't doomed for hopelessness but I also believe in the peace & calm that comes with letting go of so much of the garbage that I finally evicted from my mind.

And I couldn't help but to be proud.

It felt good to see first-hand what I'd accomplished through a lot of hard work & prayer (and I have to give credit to Eric for a lot of hard work too...he listened to and worked through so much that I had questions and doubts about). It's made me a better person. I'm more confident and with that confidence comes less fear. With less fear comes stronger decisions that aren't based in insecurity. What a gift to pass on to my children. I cherish parenting without the veil of insecurity clouding my every move. Not to say I'll be secure in everything I do, but I see a hopeful difference.

So while most blog entries lately have been more light-hearted, I felt the need to reflect on all of this today. While I don't necessarily want to put out all the nitty-gritty details of my life for all to read, it does sometimes feel cathartic to get some big stuff out there. To acknowledge where I've been and where I feel like I'm headed. It feels like someone else may need to hear it. Why go through all this growth and change without sharing the amazing impact it's had? Well, today I was overwhelmed by it and had to share.

Here's to growth. Here's to change. Here's to the wisdom that comes with it. May it never stop.

Right now life is so good: getting married in a few weeks, got a baby girl on the way, been spending lots of time with family, kids are doing well. There are a lot of things to be happy about and it's hard to not just want to get on here and write about the latest thing. (Like for example the gorgeous diamond ring that finally came in this weekend that's sitting on my left ring finger! Or even my first "the baby was kicking me here" story that I thought I'd only ever get to listen to rather than actually get to share! For the record, it was my bladder at the end of a 3 hour car ride which I'd already stopped to go mid-way as it was...just when I was thinking, "I can make it to the restaurant", she found a new play thing!! Thank God I made it!)

Today though, I've got something bigger on my mind...something that looks beyond what's happening right now and into our future. Eric and I have been watching tons of documentaries lately. Actually, that accounts for probably about 70-80% of what we watch as it is (not counting kid TV!) but in this whole living simply focus, we've really been paying attention to what types of food we're putting into our bodies. Partially a weight loss effort, partially an effort in getting the best nutrition to the baby but also a big focus on paying attention to what exactly it is that we're so readily eating that sometimes doesn't even seem to qualify as food.

What we're learning is that there's a LOT of bad stuff out there. It's hard to find quality food and when you do, get ready to pay for it. We've started out slowly by adding in a lot more fruits and veggies, trying to buy organic when possible (canNOT wait for the summer farmer's markets to start up so we can add 'buy local' to that list too!). We've also been trying to minimize the canned or packaged items where we can. The first several grocery bills were so high but in retrospect, the eating-out bills went WAY down...I didn't do all the math but I'd venture to say they at least came out even. We're learning as we go and keeping lists of the things we like and the things we don't and trying to put that level of variety we're accustomed to into this new plan but in some ways, it's not easy. It takes a lot of planning and some days for me, the baby just takes over and convenience wins out over the new plan. I am finding though that the old fast-food standbys are not as appealing anymore. The one time I gave into McD's, I ended up eating only half of it and regretting the first half. So even when convenience wins out, I find myself wanting the healthier options anyway...they just may not be as healthy as the organic produce in my fridge.

So food has been a huge focus but there are other things that I want to learn more about how to do something about it: the overuse of oil, the way corporate greed can and does win out over the welfare of humans, the detriment of plastics on the planet, especially because of bottled water...that's the latest one we watched. The documentary is called "Tapped" and it had me making a mental note of the last time I drank bottled water. Not only is the water not any better for you, but because of the plastic that it's bottled in, it's far worse. Municipal water is tested 300-400 times per month; bottled water has very little to no regulation over it at all. It has known carcinogens in it yet it's marketed as "pure". We again are suckers for the media spin and have bought into a huge lie.

It's all a lot to think about. I told Eric last night, "I feel like I need a big chart that shows all the things I want to research more and then to start systematically trying to do so..." because at this point, it just feels like too much to even try to figure out what my social responsibility is. But we have kids. And they're going to grow up in the world that we leave for them. And I'm a Christian. I believe whole-heartedly that God created this planet for us and it saddens me to see how we're destroying it. Plus, I think that the level of convenience and greed that has gotten us to this place to begin with is so far fetched from where God wants his people. There is more to life than the lifestyle we've come to call the American Dream. What is the saying, "all things are good in moderation"? But many Americans don't know the meaning of the word. And our mindset is infiltrating the rest of the world. And I think that it makes God sad to see us so engrossed in ourselves.

So where does that leave things? What is my social responsibility? What is my responsibility as a Christian? Right now, I think it comes back to a post I wrote earlier about living a simple life. Getting away from the greed of the last decade and embracing a new form of life. One that starts with making family & close friends a priority over soccer practice, dance lessons, church committees, and any other social committment that puts a priority over feeling important because of an overbooked schedule rather than in developing healthy relationships with those in your life. It's okay to make time for your passions but if there isn't a passion for it, it should be heavily scrutinized why it's on the calendar to begin with. Same with kids stuff: are they signed up for this b/c the child really cares about it or b/c I need to feel like super-mom? And no, they won't die b/c you made them choose between soccer and dance.

Making health a priority over convenience. I've heard the word "cancer" too many times and the more I research it, the more it becomes clear that it's not a phenomenon that it's more prevalent. The foods we eat, the packaging it comes in, the bottles we drink from, the pans we cook in...so much of it contributes to what is happening to our bodies. We need to stop listening to the mass media that tells us the convenience is good for us. The biggest scam that comes to mind immediately are the McD's commercials that tote a happy meal as being a good, healthy choice. Just because it's 100% all white chicken (yeah, right...maybe chicken-product but for the sake of argument...), doesn't take away the fact that it's FRIED. Wake up people!

Stop listening to mass media. Money is the root of all evil and media's main focus is money. Whoever has the most money are the ones with the best media, not those with the best products or information. We do not have cable in our house and honestly, I prefer it to stay that way. We do have Netflix but it does not come with commercials and the impact has been great. I know there is no way to keep my kids from all advertisement but the more that I can do my part, the better. Nearly any article you read about something having a negative effect on children or teens (obesity, bullying, video games, etc), mass media is somehow involved. The more a kid is exposed to commercials targeted at them, the more they are influenced. And no, the makers of that super sugary cereal or the latest & greatest piece of plastic crap don't care about the long term effects on your child. And finally (for now)...

Education, education, education. Learn more about what "healthy" means. Learn more about what God wants my role to be in all of this. Learn more about what my social responsibility is with this. The more I educate myself and learn how to care for myself and my family, the more I'm investing in their futures. It's not about a college fund anymore. In some ways, it's about survival. I can't keep them from every harm but I can make an impact in my own home. And hopefully that will carry over to my community and beyond. :)

Photo credit: http://www.toothpastefordinner.com/archives/2010/Nov/

A Life of Simplicity

I have learned so much in the last few years. I think one of my favorite lessons though is the joy of living simply. The more my life is bent this direction, the more I want it to be there. So much of my life before was so cluttered...and I'm not talking about the stuff that sits around the house. I'm talking about the calendar, the stress level, the go-go-go mindset, the caring too much of what impression I was making on others.

In doing so much I felt important but in stepping away from it, it seems that the feeling of being important and the feeling of treading water aren't all that different from one another. I was living to be pulled whatever direction everyone else was going to take me. In the quiet places I often questioned, is this really it? Is this really what life was meant to be?! Treading water wasn't exactly a lifelong dream of mine and my stress level was there on a nearly constant basis.

In the last few years I've really retreated from the world. Any limelight I previously held, I've done all that I can to minimize. Not so easy for this once hard-core Leo. I don't put much stock into the astrological stuff but I do find that I have definitely fit the Leo profile in my life - creative, extroverted, dominant. Leos LOVE the spotlight and I've never been one to shy away so this retreat of sorts has been quite a journey. It's been amazing though. I enjoy having time to really devote to my family & to my inner circle of friends. I enjoy the time that my fiance & my kids have together. Even in retreating from the world of mass-media some, I have really enjoyed not having cable TV; all I watch is Netflix and the lack of commercials has made quite an impact. The "I need it"s are minimized more than I would've imagined & my wallet is grateful.

I love taking the emphasis away from doing what will make everyone else happy and no longer throwing my own mental health to the curb in the process. I love finding the simplicity in my relationship with God as well. He doesn't complicate things as much as we do; learning that has probably been the greatest reward.

This is just the beginning of this journey but I like the direction I'm headed. I'm excited to find more ways to simplify. I want this because I think it's how God intended us to live. This race of having a million things on our plate at once seems to show up no where in scripture. Jesus took time to enjoy, get to know, and love the people around him. Living a life of complexity doesn't typically lend oneself to being available for this on a sustainable basis. But living a life of simplicity does. I think it is key to a live that is beautifully lived. And that's right where I want to be.

♥Meg

Photo Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/cliche/2963592522/

24 Ways I See Things Differently Now

1. Grace really is "amazing"...the song had it right all along. It's taken me a long time but I finally get it. You can tell those that have truly experienced it themselves - the petty, the trivial...they just don't matter because grace is bigger than that.
2. I can spy the church culture in a person from a mile away.
3. I no longer believe that the contemporary conservative white suburban church culture is the ONLY way.
4. People different from me are not wrong; they're just different...and there's beauty in that.
5. Grace is actually a 4-letter word to some people. 
6. I am doing a million things the "wrong" way yet, I feel closer to God and finally understand what the bible means when it talks about having freedom in following him. 
7. I also feel like for the first time in my life, I'm actually learning how to love as Christ intended. 
8. Since not being so closely involved with the church, I spend less time watching TV, judging people, worrying about materialistic things and feeling like I don't measure up.
9. Since not being so closely involved with the church, I spend more time thinking intentionally about how I treat people, being a better, calmer mom, enjoying people rather than judging them, spending time with those closest to me, feeling better about myself and learning & thinking critically about how God loves and wants me to love.
10. Being around someone that can easily quote scripture (and does so in a nearly be-littling way) doesn't make me feel like less of a Christian anymore; now I'll just admit that it annoys me. 
11. Thoughts only in black & white leave out sooooooo many colors. Too many people ONLY think this way and they also think their black & white thoughts are rules.
12. God is a creative god and we diminish that every time we refuse to believe that he may do something outside of those "rules" we so adamantly believe in (nevermind argue about).
13. Not only are things not always what they seem to be; I am cementing my belief that they are almost NEVER what they seem to be. 
14. Just because I don't keep up with [insert local Christian station here] doesn't make me a bad person. It makes me someone who can appreciate good music. I can hear God in most any music.
15. And for that matter, just because I don't keep up with [insert latest Christian fad here] doesn't make me a bad person either. Jesus has been reaching people well before we had The Purpose Driven Life, WWJD, The Prayer of Jabez...I can't tell you what the latest thing is b/c I've been working hard to distance myself from it. It's just a marketing technique and we Christians are the biggest suckers around. What's worse is we make each other feel badly when we hear they're not on board.
16. I don't know that I believe in a big church anymore. I'm not sure...jury's still out on that one.
17. When faced with "challenging" relationships, (i.e., being friends w/someone who makes "questionable" life choices according to the conservative church), I no longer feel that being friends with them means that their choices must always be up for debate. Nor do I wonder what my role should be "as a Christian" in the friendship any more. If we have been fortunate enough to form a friendship, then I only want to be concerned with that.
18. Feeding off of the previous one, I don't believe in the "targeting" methods of current evangelism. This whole notion of taking basic sales techniques and applying it to sharing about God is nuts. In sales, what happens when the economy takes a dump?!? That's right - your sales plummet. Those techniques only work when your customers have nothing to lose. Sales skyrocket when people have a need though and you've got other people who've found something to meet that need that they truly believe in. Hmmm...could it be that simple with telling people about God?
19. I cringe at the church's ability to blend with suburbia. A suburban mindset is ruining America and ruining our churches.
20. I remember in high school not feeling like I fit in with any one clique. I somewhat felt part of each and every one of them but there weren't any that I truly said, "THIS is me." Knowing how very much I loved God, in my 20's I tried desperately to find that home in the church. All I've decided is that I still in many ways feel just like I did in high school. I can easily be a part of it but I don't fit in.
21. I can't care about what other people think. This is such a "duh" statement that we hear all the time but seriously, it took me til now to get it to sink in. I cared so much of what everyone else thought of me that I gave little to no credit to what I thought of myself. No matter how lofty your aspirations, if they belong to someone else and what THEY want for YOU, you'll feel forever lost and empty; even if you've gained the world in the process.
22. Perfectionism is ugly. People say they use it as a tool for "excellence" but really it's much more about judgment and whatever race is in the perfectionist's mind. I'm done racing. I'm ready to start living.
23. There are people out there that you can trust. People that will love you for who you are, no matter how that looks. The key is that they're not always where you expect to find them and you sometimes have to look very hard.
24. I've spoken in a lot of generalities and not covered for any exceptions that popped in my head. My perfectionism would've held that back before but now, I'm hoping that people see my heart and know that I know there are a lot of exceptions to nearly everything I've said. And if there are people that don't, for the first time in my life I can say I simply don't care. Actually, it's more like I can't. Too much of my life has been given to those who won't look at the hearts of people and I'm moving on.

I believe

I stayed within my calories yesterday!! Yahoo! I know I should really only weigh myself once a week but having done this before, I know that the first week or 2 you actually see a lot come off. Soooo...against sound advice I did a weigh-in and am down 4 pounds at this point!! I'm so excited! Which really tells me that my eating was out of control before b/c I really don't feel like I've done much. I'm certainly not exercising like a mad woman or anything. I've met my 10 minute goal each day but come on...that's no marathon or anything.

I really do believe that I can do this. In a way that I have never believed in myself before. I have a mindset that I didn't before. Before I had always felt that there were some things that were just meant to be as they are - I have no control over them or their outcomes and I really let that thinking carry over to my thoughts on weight loss. Now having made some changes that I thought I couldn't before in other areas of my life, I can see my flawed thinking more clearly. I could get on that initial "weight loss high" before and be successful but once that wore off and it became more like work, it fell apart every time. I see now that I can't go there. This has to be something that I can make a lasting change with, not the "go cold turkey" method. I'm not wired that way because once I'd slip up, it was all over. No, now I see it needs to be gradual. I read somewhere that I need to not just accept my mistakes but to enjoy them because that's what makes me me. That thought really had an impact on me. I am accountable for the good choices I make and the bad ones. And one bad mistake doesn't take away from the good choices I can make afterwards.

♥Meg

So many changes...

Life has been full of so many big changes over the last several years. I'm at a place now where I feel more content than I have in...well, I'd say a long time but I'm not so sure I've ever felt quite like this. I know a confidence and peace that I didn't even know I was missing. Times before I thought I was strong - now I realize I just knew how to project being strong. I thought I understood what it meant to feel at peace but now I feel like I really get it. I feel like I really GET a lot of things now that I didn't before (or at least didn't get how much I was missing): love, contentment, confidence, a true relationship with God. I've got a new start and, Lord help me, I have every intention of making the most of it.

So that's what this blog is about. I'd gone incognito with my blogging the last few years b/c that's what I needed then. I never stopped writing - I just took some time to write for my eyes only. And they're still there where no one can see them - a place for me & God to talk things out without a web's worth of opinions to weigh in on them. But I've missed sharing thoughts with others. I love writing...really I just plain love being creative but it's not the same to be creative if you don't share it with others. I love this quote by Lucy MacDonald:

"Use your talent (everybody has one) any way you can. Don't keep it for yourself like a miser - spend it like a millionare!"

Isn't that a great thought?!? Whether anyone considers it a talent of mine or not, I do love writing and don't like the idea of being a miser so I'm here to spend, spend, spend!! And really, anything that feels like shopping without the loss of actual money - I'm in! :)

So why now? Well, partly the timing just seems right but it's also that I'm also using this for a little accountability. I've given the whole weight loss thing a shot a couple times before and been successful but I always gained the weight back. With this new mindset, I've realized that before I wasn't content or happy with myself before losing the weight. I always saw it as something that would bring happiness to me. When the weight came off, I'd drop jean sizes, have more energy, etc. but it didn't change the happiness level like I'd expected. What solidified this for me is that a little less than 2 years ago when I was in THE darkest moments of my life, I lost weight without thinking about it. Yet, I felt miserable.

Fast-forward to today. I'm pretty content. I feel good about myself. I feel beautiful and desirable just as I am. I have amazing people in my inner circle that have encouraged to love me for me EXACTLY as I am no matter what the scale says. And lately it's been clicking - I finally love myself. That thing I've heard people say you need to do but I could never quite get it right - I get it now! And because of that, I'm ready to get healthy for me. Not to look a certain way or have people tell me I'm looking great or to say I can fit into a size whatever...no, this is because I want to take care of me. I've got too many dreams not yet acheived to do anything else.

So Monday is D-day (giving myself time to get to the grocery store!). Exercise & healthy eating - here I come!! Exercise - the goal is to do something at least 5 days per week even if it's just 10 minutes and increase as it becomes a part of my routine. Healthy eating - that's a bit more complicated. I know a lot about general nutrition from doing this before (calories, fat, etc.)but I'd really like to try to minimize the processed foods that are part of my diet. There's a LOT of processed, synthetic foods out there that come in easy 100-calorie packs. So while the goal is to get to a more whole foods, natural diet, I may fall back on some old low-cal, low-fat standbys that don't fit into that category to get me started. In the meantime, I'll be studying up on what's healthier in general so that trips to the grocery store don't have to take me hours on end! I've got a journal to keep track of what I'm doing - that was CRUCIAL each time I had any significant, healthy weight loss in the past. Complete with gem stickers to give myself for meeting my eating & exercise goals each day! They're so sparkly & fun...;)

If you're still reading this, I hope I've inspired you in some way (or at least entertained you - ha!). I'd love to know if you're keeping up with me - please sign up as a follower. :) There will be more pictures to come and some music on here as well. I'm excited to share a little bit about the title of this blog and the artist behind it that I met in Nashville but that'll have to be for another day. For now, I'm off to work.

♥Meg