I Am the Strongest Woman I Know

I don't say that title to take away from all the other strong women in this world or more specifically, those amazingly strong women in my life. There are millions out there who are as strong or stronger than me for sure but at this moment in my life, I've experienced something so amazing that to sell short the fact that I feel nothing less than that would take away from all of it. So right now, I'm owning it: I am the strongest woman I know. Why? Because I was blessed to bring my daughter into this world naturally.

It's more than that though. It was the culmination of this life transformation that I've been undergoing for several years now. An embracing of my ability to do something that I had no clue if I could, but not being afraid to be determined to give it 110% to find out. A few short years ago, I would not have believed that I could endure the physical pain & mental concentration it would take to bring a baby into this world naturally. I wouldn't have believed in myself at all. But today, not only do I believe it but I did it!! That's where this title stems from - the emotional strength that I now know and truly own. Here's a brief synopsis of Addison's birth story, the most amazing day of my life.

I've put a lot of detail into this blog entry more as a journal entry for myself. I don't want to forget what happened and how I felt. If you want the "reader's digest" version, skip down to the bottom. ;)

If you've followed this blog, you know that I was not too thrilled about being induced but being 10 days overdue, the doctor let us go as long as she felt she could safely, especially considering that I had gestational diabetes so there are concerns with the baby being too big. So we headed to the hospital to be induced on Wednesday for our 8:30am appointment; we got there slightly early but they were ready for us. On the way to the room I asked the registration specialist if we could have one of the labor rooms with a birthing tub and was told they don't do that for inductions. When I then asked our nurse, she explained it was because I had to be hooked up to the monitoring system. I was bummed on both accounts because 1) I was counting on the water to help with some of the pain and 2) I hated the idea that I had to be tethered to a machine. Then when she started explaining the different induction meds, she mentioned "cytotec" (sp?). This is a medicine that's actually intended to treat ulcers and some women have died during birth as a result of it being used as a method for induction. Thank God we'd done our homework and knew to refuse it but this was a 3rd strike in my mind and I had to work to push that out and not become disheartened that things were looking kind of tricky to maintain our plan to go completely natural.

I was only dilated to "maybe 2 cm" so they had to force my cervix to open to 4 cm with a foley catheter. It's basically a little balloon that they insert and once my cervix would open to that point, it would pop out and then they could break my water. It was explained that this could take anywhere from 1 hour to 8 hours but the norm was about 4 hours. When it popped out after an hour AND my water broke naturally during that, Eric and I were both so pleased! This really helped us mentally and we were ready to take the increased dosages in pitocin and wait on the contractions to come. During this time, we had the sweetest nurse, Kristen, who was exactly the type of person I needed for that part. She was bubbly, funny and listened to our concerns without making us feel like we didn't have options (even when we really didn't). She helped convince me that the internal monitoring would help me be able to actually move more freely because Sonnie kept moving and the only way I could keep her on the external monitor was to lay in bed: the exact opposite of how I wanted to manage this. It did help - I was able to sit in a couple different seats including the birthing ball all of which seemed to help.

During this beginning part of the day, Eric and I really found a rhythm for dealing with the contractions. He was so amazing...a perfect mix of emotional support, physical support and just coaching to keep me focused on the moment at hand and not getting too far ahead of myself. More on that part of the experience later, though. I hit about 5-6 cm mid-afternoon (I think) and around the same time got a new nurse, Sue. Sue reminded me of Cloris Leachman. Great for comedic value...not the most reassuring as your L & D nurse. She was very nice but she had a hard time with the pain I was in and kept offering me different meds. I kept politely turning her down and eventually the questioning stopped. I found out later that was because my hubby had a quick I've-got-about-2-minutes-before-the-next-contraction-comes-so-listen-closely talk with her to let her know that if I want meds, I'll ask for them; otherwise, stop asking.

Around 5pm-ish, I reached 8 cm and they were calling my doctor. Sue would be off work at 7pm and she was crossing her fingers that I'd have the baby by the time she left. Unfortunately, those were the 2 longest hours of my life as I was at the exact same 8 cm at 7pm as I was at 5pm. I could tell that the level of pain I was dealing with was making everyone uncomfortable b/c even knowing how committed I was to doing this without pain meds, Eric was checking in with me at this point to ask if I was having a change of heart. It was exactly what I needed to hear because I was becoming quite discouraged that I wasn't progressing. I could handle it if I kept moving forward but the idea that I could be stuck at 8 cm for who knew how long was really starting to wear on me. I said I wasn't ready for an epidural yet but if I stayed at an 8 much longer, I might consider it.

At this point we got another nurse, Jennifer, and she was the perfect compliment to Eric's coaching. Eric took care of my emotional side. You hear these stories of how you'll be ordering your husband to get out of your face during delivery but that just wasn't the case for us. Even in preparation for this day, I couldn't imagine myself shouting at him and wanting him away from me... He didn't leave my side for a moment and I never wanted him to. The side rails on the bed made him feel too far away at times even though he leaned over them most of the day to hold my hands and tell me what a great job I was doing. Eric was exactly what I needed throughout the entire process. He was supportive and loving and was all the encouragement I needed to get through each contraction. Going through this with him was so intense and so intimate...there aren't words to say how powerful of an experience it was to share it with him. We truly were one with each other - it was definitive of how much we count on, support and love one another in our marriage. 

As I stated, he took care of what I needed emotionally through the process. Jennifer, our 3rd nurse, took care of the more detailed side of birth-coaching to get me out of the 8cm hell I was stuck in. We could tell she had a positive viewpoint on natural birthing which gave me a renewed energy that Cloris wasn't feeding me. Jennifer had me switch positions many times which was incredibly painful but I knew that the intensified pain was what I needed to get this baby out of me. Every time I started to reach a level of tolerance with the contractions (amazing what my definition of pain "tolerance" became at that point!), she had me move. In the meantime, my doctor had arrived and she was in the room with us for nearly the last 2 hours as well. I was impressed that she was so present and not just off in a doctor's lounge somewhere waiting for me to push.

When it came time, my doctor let me stay right as I was on the bed rather than dealing with the stirrups and moving the bottom part of the bed out to catch all the fun stuff afterwards. Again I was impressed that she was just letting me do what I needed to and not being so rigid in "her" way of doing things. I pushed for probably 30-45 minutes. At one point they put the mirror down so that I could be "encouraged" by seeing her head. Gotta admit...it wasn't encouraging. I mean, the fact that her head was there was exciting; it was how little I could see of it, how much it already hurt, and trying to calculate how much more it was going to hurt as I could see more of her head! What I fortunately didn't understand was that the pain was already there...that it didn't actually get worse at that point. (There's something the books don't tell you...) I'm so glad we had the mirror down. No offense to those in the opposite camp but I do not understand why anyone would not want to watch that. It was so amazing to see this life that once never was being born! It was such a beautiful, spiritual experience.

At 9:04pm, Sonnie arrived very healthy at 7 lbs 1 oz, 19 in long, 14 in head circumference, apgar scores of 8 (1 min) & 9 (5 min), and she had all positive test results from the sugar/diabetes testing they did. Her color and level of alertness was ideal. I was able to breastfeed her immediately (though we later found out that my milk supply would be insufficient; at least she got those initial feedings). All the pain I'd just endured was so worth it to see her so alert, responsive and healthy. My in-laws and my parents were able to each take turns coming in right after she was born - it was so special to share that with them. This little life that was only an hour old got to meet her Grandma, Grandpa, Memaw and Papap.

I only had to have one stitch and have truly been amazed at the recovery process. Yes, there have been aches and pains but nothing to the extent I was anticipating. I can't imagine how I would have dealt with her hospital stay at Children's (at 5-7 days old - see "rough week" post) had it been more intense. Overall I feel fantastic and am especially proud to say that at 2 weeks post-partum, I'm back to my pre-pregnancy weight! {Now, to just drop the pre-pregnancy fluff I had ;)} I did have some "baby blues" there for a couple days; a lot of that was right after her being in the hospital/right before Eric went back to work. I've got a super support system though and am feeling a lot better this week. Everyone just let me cry, talk it out, sleep...whatever I needed. I'm not convinced that it's gone for good but I do feel confident that if they creep up again that it's okay as long as I share it with those around me.

Well, that's her story. :) For those scrolling down for the READER'S DIGEST VERSION: Went in at 8:30am. Induced with pitocin and foley catheter around 9:15am - was only 2cm "maybe" at this point. Catheter came out around 10:15am (BIG deal - avg time takes 4 hours, longest could've been 8 hours) which meant I was around 3-4 cm dilated. Got to about 5-6 cm midday. By 5pm hit 8cm, the doctor was called and then I stalled for 2 hours - for those who are unaware, at 8 cm you are in INTENSE pain when you're having contractions!! At 7pm, got a new nurse who had me change positions a lot which got things moving. By some point in the 8 o'clock hour I was pushing and at 9:04pm, Addison "Sonnie" Elaine was born. :) Eric was an amazing coach - I couldn't have done it how I wanted to, naturally, without his love and encouragement. He'd say I'm making too big a deal of his part in it but it's true; nothing embodied the oneness we have with one another like that day did. I fell in love with him all over again.

So if you're still here, thanks for reading about the most amazing experience of my life. Here are some pictures to wrap up what I feel like I'm still coming up short in saying...

Weighing in

Cuddled with Daddy

Mommy and baby shortly after giving birth

Daddy's thumb for a little perspective

A smitten Mommy

Beautiful Sonnie

 

Where I want to be

This room. This is where I find myself wanting to be.

It's the newly converted room for all of our little ones. It's the entire length of the upstairs so not only does all of their bedding fit but there is also a nice area in the middle for them to play with and easily store their toys. It's where all of the shower goodies have gone and all of the baby stuff is going.

I find myself wanting to be there all the time. Putting away her things. Organizing them. Double-checking the diaper bag for the 10th time to make sure everything really is in there and to look at the little-itty-bitty diapers that we'll start out with.

I love sitting in the rocker and thinking about holding her. My frame of reference right now is my 21-month-old stepdaughter...it's hard to imagine one that will just fit onto my shoulder. I can't wait to rock them both, one in each arm.

That room to me is so peaceful. A place where I can sense God so closely, knowing that it really was his voice that I was hearing all those times I felt this was in his plan for me. There were some dark days there for a while but things are looking brighter than ever now. God held my hand in the darkness and I'm enjoying the light that he's led me to. Something about this room encompasses that.

I'm down to just 3.5 weeks until my due date and in some ways it feels like an eternity. I think because I've run out of things to countdown to. There was the wedding, the honeymoon, the 3D ultrasound, the shower...and now, it's just counting down to her arrival which could be anywhere from later today to the end of June if I went over. And all that's left to do in the meantime is to get mine & Eric's bag packed for the hospital.

So while I wait, I'll retreat to the upstairs. I'll sing to her. I'll talk to her. I'll practice my breathing & relaxation techniques. I'll dream of the day that is very close when it will all be real, that she will be here in my arms and I will know the joy of holding a child that I've already held in my womb. ♥

Pregnancy Update - Week 34

Kicked off the beginning of week 34 with a fun Easter day at my parents' church and then to their house for lunch. We had all the kiddos with us which was so nice. They all seemed to have a good time and it's always good to be with family. I was really bummed that it was too wet to do the Easter Egg Hunt that Mom had worked so hard on. It was hard to imagine keeping the little ones from being totally covered in wet & mud though. This rain can seriously let up any time now...(just jinxed us for a summer drought, didn't I?)

Then on Monday my awesome co-workers had a shower for the baby! I did a great job in remembering to bring the camera to work. I did not do such a great job in remembering to bring the camera to the room the shower was in! :( So...I took pictures of all the goodies once I got them home. While those are wonderful, I sure wish I had pictures of the awesome people behind all those goodies though.



All of the presents prior to removing them from the gift bags. I wouldn't let myself until I had the thank you notes done! :)




All the goodies out of the gift bags (except that all the diapers and wipes are consolidated into a couple gift bags). I love all the colors of blankets, outfits, etc. that people chose. My co-workers have such great taste!!




And she begins to take over this closet...

 Side note on the closet: It had to be cleaned out and while all of this baby prep is going on, there's also been some tax refund...uh, fun. Yeah...we'll call it "fun". I short I had to find receipts related to the adoption (from 2008!!). I thought I couldn't find a handful of the most important ones but in the final sweep of cleaning out this closet, there they were! I didn't realize how much that was weighing on my mind until the weight was lifted! Whew!

Then also on Monday, Sonnie's travel system arrived! (Thank you Memaw & Papap!) The stroller isn't together yet but I took a picture of the car seat. It's sooooooooo pretty!! I can't believe that this little person that once never was will soon be riding around in our car with us in this very seat.



It's soooo pretty!! Sonnie will be very classy. :)


We'll also be getting our rocker-recliner this week for the nursery/office. (Thank you Grandma & Grandpa!) We picked it out last week and are able to pick it up this week. We were thinking a glider rocker but after some thought, decided we wanted something that you could fall asleep in if you wanted to, so a La-Z-Boy it is!



This chair is summoning my aching back as I type...


Tomorrow I head in for my 34 week check up which is the last appointment that I'll schedule 2 weeks out when I leave. After that, I'll see the dr. every week. And at the 36 week appt I'll get another ultrasound to make sure she's not too big due to having gestational diabetes. My numbers have been pretty decent so I feel confident it'll be okay.

And Saturday I'll kick off the start of week 35 by heading to see Mary Poppins with my cousins Amy & Christy!! I can't wait!

Apparently it's in week 31...

My last post title asked when nesting takes precedence over a nap. My title this time answers that. As of last weekend, we had one dress purchased, a travel system chosen but not purchased and a few things thought out in our minds of how to rearrange furniture to accommodate one more person and all the stuff that comes with one that size. No birthing classes taken. Not really anything beyond the pre-natal care was taking place. Since last weekend, here's what we've accomplished:

• Rearranged the living room (not a small feat since it involved mounting the TV to the wall, running some different wiring, etc.)
• Cleaned the basement (had to find a place for all the stuff that no longer needed to go in the living room to be without it just going into a messy pile; a project that had been on my mind every time I'd head down to do laundry)
• Bought & assembled new dining furniture - fits MUCH better with the space we have!! We could actually all 5 sit down for lunch yesterday and not feel like we were on top of each other.
• Picked up Sonnie's crib - a hand-me-down from a friend along with a mattress, sheets, a never-opened bumper pad, and a boppy pillow. This is the same friend that handed off a bunch of maternity clothes to me - she's spoiled me rotten!!
• Ordered our travel system - it's the 2011 version of the one I posted about a few posts ago. It's so freaking pretty. Eric said I better hope this baby really is a girl b/c it's MUCH more girly than I'm giving it credit for. Guess we'll get further confirmation when we head to our 3D/4D ultrasound on Tuesday!! :)
• Registered at Babies R Us - that took a lot more time than I gave it credit for. We didn't even have anywhere near as much to register for b/c a lot of the big items we already have, were getting used from someone or knew we wanted it from another store. My son, Roma, tagged along for this and did all the scanning which I think he really enjoyed.
• Went to do our hospital tour - we had a great nurse doing our tour. She was very reassuring and I felt comfortable there. I actually got quite emotional during two times that she started discussing ways the mother & baby bond through skin-to-skin contact or "kangaroo care". I don't know why but I teared up both times (in a good way). I'm so looking forward to her arrival. :)

So where napping was taking precedence before, nesting is starting to take over. Oh, that and insomnia. Now that I'm in my last week of my 7th month, I'm reeeeeeaaaalllllyyyyy feeling like I'm in my THIRD trimester. It's hard to get up and down. My back hurts a lot more. My legs hurt. And sleeping might as well be an afterthought. The effort it takes to turn over coupled with the foot in my rib (at least I think that's what she's doing in there...whatever it is, it impedes sleeping!) or the fact that on my right side I can't breathe as well but on my left side my hip goes numb, I've just given up. I'll start sleeping better in 2014.

There's still a lot to do. Mainly in our office where a lot of her stuff will go. Our closets need some MAJOR attention - they're the spots that have potential to put stuff but we are definitely not using those spaces wisely. You know when you move and you've got that stack of stuff that you know you should really go through but just don't have the energy to so it all gets shoved somewhere? That's the essence of nearly all of our closet space. Oh, and there's the whole idea of purchasing a different vehicle that we can all fit into. The 4-door civic isn't quite going to cut it with 2 car seats, a booster, and 3 more people! Not that the need is there all the time but when it is, I don't want to deal with driving separately everywhere we go. So that's on the not-too-distant to-do list.

But for now, it's time to start another week at work. Roma starts a new quarter this week at school and he's really excited to get his report card from the last one. Grades went up AGAIN!! Wahoo! And he starts track meets this week. (I'm really hoping the weather starts improving for these meets. I don't think my immune system can handle sitting out in cold rain!!) Talk about two different worlds. Registering for baby gear one week; heading to track meets the next. Wouldn't have it any other way. :)

At What Point Does Nesting Take Precedence Over a Nap?

Week 29 this week which means only 11 weeks until Lil Miss Sonnie is due to make her arrival! You know, saying that I'm 29 weeks along makes it sound like there's a lot left to go in the pregnancy. But saying that there are 11 weeks left makes it sounds like I have a LOT to get accomplished before she arrives! I kinda started a registry but I really need to go finish it out (especially since everything I picked out in my online registering were things that could only be purchased online-whoops!). And I need to pick out a rocker. And should probably pick a pediatrician. And read up a bit more on labor & delivery...I've heard about this "walking epidural" that gives you relief from the pain without as much medication (e.g., your legs don't go numb hence the "walking" part). I'd like to check into that. And get the room that a lot of her stuff will go in ready. And go pick up the crib that's been offered to us.

Yet, none of that sounds as appealing as a nap. 

I'm sure my drive to do more will pick up. That somewhere along the lines the "nesting instinct" will hit full-force and I will accomplish many great and wonderful things. I had goals for that this weekend. Great lofty goals. They just got interrupted by naps. Oh well...

In talking with bestie Amy, I said that while in many ways Sonnie is my first (first pregnancy, first child that has a chance of looking like me, first newborn), there's a LOT of ways that she's my fourth too (too many things going on with the other 3 kids to really give that overdrive of attention that the first baby typically gets). I don't think that's all bad. Had she been my first in every way, I'm sure I would've been obsessive over all of this stuff. I would've stressed over if this was the right thing to do or if that was the right thing to do. Things would've had to be more "perfect". But this way, I'm just along for the ride and loving every minute. Not to say there aren't things I can get obsessive or worried about but it's really been minimized compared to the potential that's there. There are days that I'm envious of the posts I read on an online board from other FTMs (first time mommies) where they spent their evening playing "tag" with the baby in their bellies for hours, so they say. I've only accomplished this game once and it lasted about 5 minutes. But I also feel so bad when I read about those moms obsessing b/c their baby didn't move for an hour and they're ready to run to the ER. I have to stop and think, "did I feel her move today while I was at work? Oh of course...she was thumping on my bladder like a trampoline in the middle of that meeting! How could I forget?!" I'm sure there were times where she didn't move and I didn't notice. And that's okay. I've got enough awareness that she's got regular movement throughout the day to let me just be at peace and not riddled with worry. It's a nice feeling.

Speaking of things to worry about, I feel like I should update from the last post about my drs appt regarding GD (gestational diabetes). I was very pleased to learn that the doctor not only feels I don't need shots but I also don't need any medication either. Just diet and exercise. Of course. Because I was so good at that before getting pregnant... No seriously, I'm very pleased that this can be managed in that way and I can avoid having to add any meds to my bloodstream. I got my little One Touch at-home glucose testing kit and have to prick myself 4 times a day, 4 days a week. So far my numbers are within the ranges that they want. Ah-hem, well, except for the post-meal reading and the next morning reading after I over-indulged on Pizza Cottage Saturday. We'll call it a lesson in learning about my limits. :) My morning reading today was fantastic though so healthy eating gets me right back on track. I'm sure the 45-min (but very slow) hike helped on Sunday too. There were even hills involved!

So while there are worries to be had like, how in the world will I get everything accomplished that I want to before she comes?!?, there are also the blessings of the current kids in my family to remind me that it'll all be okay. When she comes, she'll work her way into the family just like each of them have and as long as she's got a safe place to sleep, diapers and a food supply, she'll be set for a while.

And in the meantime, while I've still got a fighting chance, I'm taking a nap.

Just Another Saturday Morning...

So this year, I've become spoiled by a little $10 alarm clock. It wakes up my 14-year-old all on his own. He gets up for school each day. He knows the routine. And most days, he's ready by the time he needs to head out the door. So when he needed to get up 30 minutes early to get ready for a hike with Boy Scouts this morning, it didn't seem all that far-fetched to actually expect that he would follow his routine and get ready as he should. I even built extra time into the time that I gave him knowing that he needed to eat a better breakfast than pop-tarts and because historically these early morning hike mornings start by me wishing I had something of cattle-prod nature to make him move faster. I don't like being on him like that - it puts me in a foul mood and he loses all brain function trying to figure out what to do next - hence, the earlier time.

An earlier time does me no good however when he lays in bed for 25 minutes after his alarm went off.

"Did your alarm not go off?", I ask calmly. "It went off."

"Did you set it for the school time instead of the hike time?", again, calmly trying to get an answer I know is futile. "Nope, I set it for the hike time."

"Then, what exactly were you doing for the first 25 minutes you should have been getting ready?!", my questions getting a little more heated. "I laid in bed."

"WHY?!?!?", I ask in sheer desperation (and let's be honest, anger too) of understanding what was so different with this morning vs. any other morning. "I didn't know what to do...." Is EVERY 14 year old like this?!?! Funny b/c when I came down the stairs, he was gathering his clothes for his shower...the first things he would have done if he'd just gotten up when the alarm went off. So I'm not buying the "I didn't know what to do" crap. He knew exactly what to do when he realized he was about to get in trouble. So as with every pre-morning hike routine, I'm knocking on the bathroom door, checking with him every 2 minutes, reminding him of what he should be doing next only to watch him move at a snail's pace. I know English isn't his first language but after living in my house, I know he knows what the word "hustle" means. I just don't think his body knows how to do it. At least I've never seen it. It puts me in such a bad mood so quickly. I HATE being in that flurry-upset mode and I can't imagine he likes it much either. I hate getting him ready to go somewhere in that kind of a mood; it's a lot harder to keep my emotions in check and now with my hormones all over the place, you'd think in a simple act of self-preservation he'd think ahead. That doesn't seem to fly with the 14-year-old male mind though!

So he's off. He's on the way to his hike and I'm sure he'll do just fine. I've calmed down. The other kids have since woke up and we're on to cleaning up the aftermath of the preschooler that still struggles with the occasional bed-wetting and teaching him the difference between the truth and a lie, as well as the toddler who is being put down for her mid-morning nap since, based on the theatrics of the last 20 minutes, she's exibited a NEED for it. ;) This of course is all on the heels of a night of restless sleep for the little ones which, after you start to get used to them sleeping through the night, a restless one kinda takes you back. And of course, once I finally started to rest and Little Miss started going bezerk in my belly, my mind began racing that in just 4 short months, a newborn would be added to the mix. Most days I know I'm up for it; can't wait for it in fact. Some moments though, like in the middle of a sleepless night or when I start thinking about the cluster of teen years to come, I wonder... There are many moments that I'm grateful for my relationship with Eric but I'm especially grateful for him when this stuff feels overwhelming. He reminds me not to get caught up in the little stuff and is supportive in a way I've never known. He holds me close, listens and I know that as long as we've got each other, we can handle whatever comes our way. Even if it's 4 kids on a Saturday morning. ;)

TEEN-agers - UGH!!

I usually shoot to be uplifting or at least say something challenging in my posts but with an ever-rising blood pressure, I've chosen this as the best path today to just vent! I have a 14 year old son. Not just any 14 year old. No. He's one that was born in Ukraine to a horrible home situation for his first 6 years, then lived in an orphanage for the next 5 and then came to live in the US. I met him when he was 9 and had a small influence on him then but he's been with me since he was 11. So as of March, it's been a full 3 years since he's been under my care to mold, shape and be responsible for. As you can imagine, we've had our share of ups and downs.

And today, we're having a down.

My fiance and I are getting married in February. Less than a month away in fact and we have a baby on the way. He also has two kids ages 5 and almost 2. They're with us every weekend which means than between the weekends that Roma is with his dad and gone for boy scouts, he spends about 1, maybe 2 weekends a months with the kids. They have their typical sibling rivalries. I can certainly understand how those work. My brother and I could be brutal to one another growing up. I get when a child gets caught up in the moment of their emotions and take it out on each other. It doesn't go without reprimand but I get it. Kids need to learn how to process that stuff and they usually learn it on the ones they live with first and foremost.

Today though my son did something that was pre-meditated and just plain mean to the 5 year old. Fortunately, I caught what happened before the 5 year old ever knew what was going on. All of a sudden, I realized that all the progress that it seemed he had made in so many ways could easily be taken over by the orphanage mentality. He saw where he could be the bully and took advantage of it. We've had our suspicions about this before but nothing that was so blatant and 100% obvious as what happened today. It confirmed that he's lost what little trust he had started to gain and again we're back at square one in many ways. It's a tense house right now...he's cleaning his room in silence and I'm blogging to keep from doing or saying something I may later regret. Eric's calmly taking out his frustrations by putting the electronics on lock-down.

I never assumed that taking on parenting would be easy. Please no "did you think it'd be a walk in the park?!" comments - side note: why do parents no matter how novice or seasoned say these things to each other? Has it ever brought about some sort of benefit besides feeding the one's ego who said it? Side rant over. Anyway, like I said, I knew walking into being his parent that I would be in for some trying days. There are just some days where the frustration hits me more than others; when I can see that not only does this mentality apply to the current situation but it probably has also been in play during x, y, & z. And the kicker is when he tries to throw in an excuse - some way that it's not his fault or that he didn't mean it "that way" when it's very clear that he did. Nothing pushes my buttons more.

Some people think I'm too hard on him. That I don't give him enough leeway. That I don't give him enough room to just be the kid he wasn't able to be in his home situation or the orphanage. You know what I have to say to those folks? YOU take him for a week and we'll see what you have to say then. I'm not in the business of making up for lost time. I'm in the business of raising a contributing member of society that turns to God and family when troubles come rather than excuses, shitty "friends", or worse things like alcohol, drugs or other things that I'd rather not think about. Yes, he's got a lot of excuses that are valid - horrible upbringing, abuse, neglect...you name it, I bet it fits in there somewhere in his past. But when you've been an asshole because you relied on those excuses all day, at the end of the day, you're still an asshole. I'm in the business of teaching him to take some responsibility for those actions when they're things aimed at a 5 year old that never even knew it happened rather than dealing with the consequences of it when it happens on a much larger scale and no one was there to intervene.

So all I know is that today I'm aggravated with him. Earlier this week I was proud. I'm sure later this week I'll feel something else. I guess it's all par for the course and it's good that I found this outlet to deal with the emotions of today. My blood pressure is down. Maybe now I can be in the same room without wanting to go into an instant tirade. ;)

Pregnancy Update

I have been so blessed with this pregnancy. I've had all kinds of symptoms but none incredibly severe.

I had my bouts with nausea, several times that I succumbed to it, meals that I prepared or ordered only to take one bite and have to push it away.

I had that super-sleepy phase where I couldn't pry myself out of bed until 5 minutes before my 14-year-old was headed out the door so I could just say good-bye and then was falling asleep by 7:30 or 8pm at night.

I've had on-and-off struggles with insomnia starting with the night the little stick told us the news. I never went to sleep that night b/c my brain was racing. Then there was a phase when my arms were getting tingly but pillows seemed to alleviate that. Then there was that awful head cold - again, pillows came to the rescue. Now if I can't sleep it's because my left hip goes numb if I lay a certain way on either side of my body...you know, the ways they tell you that you should sleep.

I've had days where I swear if all was silent and you listen closely that you could actually hear my hip bones creaking from all the expanding their doing! It's been such a drastic change that I can feel them sticking out in different ways when I'm trying to get comfy to go to sleep and even just sitting here now, I'm aware of their unusual protrusion.

I'm so excited though b/c now I'm starting to show. I've never been a skinny girl and I tend to carry my weight in my midsection anyway so in some ways, I feel like more than the average girl I just look like I've put on some extra weight. So to be to the point that it's starting to look like the result of a pregnancy rather than a box of donuts, I'm quite thrilled. I know some people hate them but I've fully embraced my maternity wear. So blessed by a friend's hand-me-downs, I love being to the point that I can wear the cute little shirts that scream - "I've got a baby in here!!"

I have loved being pregnant. I mean really LOVED it. Even in the midst of hovering over the toilet, I felt an honest gratefulness for what it meant. At a work party for my fiance last weekend after standing for almost an hour my back was killing me and I started feeling light-headed; while I needed to find a chair ASAP, I loved that it was because of the ever-growing little one inside of me. I'm so excited for this little one to arrive but at the same time, I am savoring every minute of finally having the honor to carry it.

For so many years I'd curse my cycle. One: it was most months miserable, painful and I now realize well beyond what is considered in the realm of "normal". But two: I felt like, "oh sure, you can bring me all the pain but you can't do the other part you're supposed to in giving me a baby! If you're not going to work at all, just DON'T come!!!" Obviously, I'm grateful that didn't happen. And I've been keenly aware of God's timing through all of this. I believe He knew EXACTLY who I needed to be sharing this experience with and where I needed to be in my mental/emotional/spiritual health before taking this on. People would always tell me that "someday" I would understand God's timing with this and it "may not be on this side of heaven" but someday I would. I wanted to punch people when they told me that but in hindsight, it actually happened. I still will do my very best to never say it to anyone who is really struggling b/c essentially saying "at least you'll find out when you die" is never reassuring. But, I am grateful that in this case God did reveal a host of reasons why He was waiting...even though we're not <gasp!> married...Oh, so much I could dive into here but nah...it's just not worth the argument. Besides, I know how God has made it clear to me and to Eric that this baby is of His doing, His timing - that's all I need.

So that's where we are and what's been happening with this pregnancy. This Saturday marks the beginning of week 21 for me which means I have officially hit the halfway point!! Woohoo!! Aaaand, we find out one week from today if the little one is a boy or a girl! Double woohoo!!!! I feel very much like it's a girl but I'm doing all I can to prep my brain that it has just as much of a chance to be a boy. No matter what, it's the first little baby that's given me the joy of pregnancy so it will be loved, loved, loved just as much as all the kids are in my life!! My 14-year-old and I have a bet going b/c he thinks it's a boy. Whoever is wrong has to play chef for an evening and cook whatever the "winner" demands. If I'm right and with the potential for pregnancy cravings, he may have no clue what he's getting himself into!! :)

A Miracle

It's been 8 years since I started a journey towards having a child. "Unexplained Infertility" was the diagnosis that I received. No answers. No way to explain why it wasn't happening or guarantee that it couldn't happen. A permanent limbo of sorts that created more heartache than I understood. I learned a lot in that time: how taboo the topic of infertility is, some hard-learned lessons about control & God's timing, what NOT to say to people in tough situations. In finding the emotional & spiritual health I have in the last few years, I was just starting to make peace with my body and to let go of what hold it still had on me...

And then, with all of the other new beginnings I've had recently, this little miracle has been the biggest surprise of them all! My amazing fiance and I are pregnant - due June 12th!

I couldn't be more grateful that God has blessed us with this baby! I'm enjoying every second of the pregnancy and have been so thankful for good health for us both so far. To think I was already overwhelmed with the joy I was experiencing in my life - to add this little bundle makes it that much richer!