I Am the Strongest Woman I Know

I don't say that title to take away from all the other strong women in this world or more specifically, those amazingly strong women in my life. There are millions out there who are as strong or stronger than me for sure but at this moment in my life, I've experienced something so amazing that to sell short the fact that I feel nothing less than that would take away from all of it. So right now, I'm owning it: I am the strongest woman I know. Why? Because I was blessed to bring my daughter into this world naturally.

It's more than that though. It was the culmination of this life transformation that I've been undergoing for several years now. An embracing of my ability to do something that I had no clue if I could, but not being afraid to be determined to give it 110% to find out. A few short years ago, I would not have believed that I could endure the physical pain & mental concentration it would take to bring a baby into this world naturally. I wouldn't have believed in myself at all. But today, not only do I believe it but I did it!! That's where this title stems from - the emotional strength that I now know and truly own. Here's a brief synopsis of Addison's birth story, the most amazing day of my life.

I've put a lot of detail into this blog entry more as a journal entry for myself. I don't want to forget what happened and how I felt. If you want the "reader's digest" version, skip down to the bottom. ;)

If you've followed this blog, you know that I was not too thrilled about being induced but being 10 days overdue, the doctor let us go as long as she felt she could safely, especially considering that I had gestational diabetes so there are concerns with the baby being too big. So we headed to the hospital to be induced on Wednesday for our 8:30am appointment; we got there slightly early but they were ready for us. On the way to the room I asked the registration specialist if we could have one of the labor rooms with a birthing tub and was told they don't do that for inductions. When I then asked our nurse, she explained it was because I had to be hooked up to the monitoring system. I was bummed on both accounts because 1) I was counting on the water to help with some of the pain and 2) I hated the idea that I had to be tethered to a machine. Then when she started explaining the different induction meds, she mentioned "cytotec" (sp?). This is a medicine that's actually intended to treat ulcers and some women have died during birth as a result of it being used as a method for induction. Thank God we'd done our homework and knew to refuse it but this was a 3rd strike in my mind and I had to work to push that out and not become disheartened that things were looking kind of tricky to maintain our plan to go completely natural.

I was only dilated to "maybe 2 cm" so they had to force my cervix to open to 4 cm with a foley catheter. It's basically a little balloon that they insert and once my cervix would open to that point, it would pop out and then they could break my water. It was explained that this could take anywhere from 1 hour to 8 hours but the norm was about 4 hours. When it popped out after an hour AND my water broke naturally during that, Eric and I were both so pleased! This really helped us mentally and we were ready to take the increased dosages in pitocin and wait on the contractions to come. During this time, we had the sweetest nurse, Kristen, who was exactly the type of person I needed for that part. She was bubbly, funny and listened to our concerns without making us feel like we didn't have options (even when we really didn't). She helped convince me that the internal monitoring would help me be able to actually move more freely because Sonnie kept moving and the only way I could keep her on the external monitor was to lay in bed: the exact opposite of how I wanted to manage this. It did help - I was able to sit in a couple different seats including the birthing ball all of which seemed to help.

During this beginning part of the day, Eric and I really found a rhythm for dealing with the contractions. He was so amazing...a perfect mix of emotional support, physical support and just coaching to keep me focused on the moment at hand and not getting too far ahead of myself. More on that part of the experience later, though. I hit about 5-6 cm mid-afternoon (I think) and around the same time got a new nurse, Sue. Sue reminded me of Cloris Leachman. Great for comedic value...not the most reassuring as your L & D nurse. She was very nice but she had a hard time with the pain I was in and kept offering me different meds. I kept politely turning her down and eventually the questioning stopped. I found out later that was because my hubby had a quick I've-got-about-2-minutes-before-the-next-contraction-comes-so-listen-closely talk with her to let her know that if I want meds, I'll ask for them; otherwise, stop asking.

Around 5pm-ish, I reached 8 cm and they were calling my doctor. Sue would be off work at 7pm and she was crossing her fingers that I'd have the baby by the time she left. Unfortunately, those were the 2 longest hours of my life as I was at the exact same 8 cm at 7pm as I was at 5pm. I could tell that the level of pain I was dealing with was making everyone uncomfortable b/c even knowing how committed I was to doing this without pain meds, Eric was checking in with me at this point to ask if I was having a change of heart. It was exactly what I needed to hear because I was becoming quite discouraged that I wasn't progressing. I could handle it if I kept moving forward but the idea that I could be stuck at 8 cm for who knew how long was really starting to wear on me. I said I wasn't ready for an epidural yet but if I stayed at an 8 much longer, I might consider it.

At this point we got another nurse, Jennifer, and she was the perfect compliment to Eric's coaching. Eric took care of my emotional side. You hear these stories of how you'll be ordering your husband to get out of your face during delivery but that just wasn't the case for us. Even in preparation for this day, I couldn't imagine myself shouting at him and wanting him away from me... He didn't leave my side for a moment and I never wanted him to. The side rails on the bed made him feel too far away at times even though he leaned over them most of the day to hold my hands and tell me what a great job I was doing. Eric was exactly what I needed throughout the entire process. He was supportive and loving and was all the encouragement I needed to get through each contraction. Going through this with him was so intense and so intimate...there aren't words to say how powerful of an experience it was to share it with him. We truly were one with each other - it was definitive of how much we count on, support and love one another in our marriage. 

As I stated, he took care of what I needed emotionally through the process. Jennifer, our 3rd nurse, took care of the more detailed side of birth-coaching to get me out of the 8cm hell I was stuck in. We could tell she had a positive viewpoint on natural birthing which gave me a renewed energy that Cloris wasn't feeding me. Jennifer had me switch positions many times which was incredibly painful but I knew that the intensified pain was what I needed to get this baby out of me. Every time I started to reach a level of tolerance with the contractions (amazing what my definition of pain "tolerance" became at that point!), she had me move. In the meantime, my doctor had arrived and she was in the room with us for nearly the last 2 hours as well. I was impressed that she was so present and not just off in a doctor's lounge somewhere waiting for me to push.

When it came time, my doctor let me stay right as I was on the bed rather than dealing with the stirrups and moving the bottom part of the bed out to catch all the fun stuff afterwards. Again I was impressed that she was just letting me do what I needed to and not being so rigid in "her" way of doing things. I pushed for probably 30-45 minutes. At one point they put the mirror down so that I could be "encouraged" by seeing her head. Gotta admit...it wasn't encouraging. I mean, the fact that her head was there was exciting; it was how little I could see of it, how much it already hurt, and trying to calculate how much more it was going to hurt as I could see more of her head! What I fortunately didn't understand was that the pain was already there...that it didn't actually get worse at that point. (There's something the books don't tell you...) I'm so glad we had the mirror down. No offense to those in the opposite camp but I do not understand why anyone would not want to watch that. It was so amazing to see this life that once never was being born! It was such a beautiful, spiritual experience.

At 9:04pm, Sonnie arrived very healthy at 7 lbs 1 oz, 19 in long, 14 in head circumference, apgar scores of 8 (1 min) & 9 (5 min), and she had all positive test results from the sugar/diabetes testing they did. Her color and level of alertness was ideal. I was able to breastfeed her immediately (though we later found out that my milk supply would be insufficient; at least she got those initial feedings). All the pain I'd just endured was so worth it to see her so alert, responsive and healthy. My in-laws and my parents were able to each take turns coming in right after she was born - it was so special to share that with them. This little life that was only an hour old got to meet her Grandma, Grandpa, Memaw and Papap.

I only had to have one stitch and have truly been amazed at the recovery process. Yes, there have been aches and pains but nothing to the extent I was anticipating. I can't imagine how I would have dealt with her hospital stay at Children's (at 5-7 days old - see "rough week" post) had it been more intense. Overall I feel fantastic and am especially proud to say that at 2 weeks post-partum, I'm back to my pre-pregnancy weight! {Now, to just drop the pre-pregnancy fluff I had ;)} I did have some "baby blues" there for a couple days; a lot of that was right after her being in the hospital/right before Eric went back to work. I've got a super support system though and am feeling a lot better this week. Everyone just let me cry, talk it out, sleep...whatever I needed. I'm not convinced that it's gone for good but I do feel confident that if they creep up again that it's okay as long as I share it with those around me.

Well, that's her story. :) For those scrolling down for the READER'S DIGEST VERSION: Went in at 8:30am. Induced with pitocin and foley catheter around 9:15am - was only 2cm "maybe" at this point. Catheter came out around 10:15am (BIG deal - avg time takes 4 hours, longest could've been 8 hours) which meant I was around 3-4 cm dilated. Got to about 5-6 cm midday. By 5pm hit 8cm, the doctor was called and then I stalled for 2 hours - for those who are unaware, at 8 cm you are in INTENSE pain when you're having contractions!! At 7pm, got a new nurse who had me change positions a lot which got things moving. By some point in the 8 o'clock hour I was pushing and at 9:04pm, Addison "Sonnie" Elaine was born. :) Eric was an amazing coach - I couldn't have done it how I wanted to, naturally, without his love and encouragement. He'd say I'm making too big a deal of his part in it but it's true; nothing embodied the oneness we have with one another like that day did. I fell in love with him all over again.

So if you're still here, thanks for reading about the most amazing experience of my life. Here are some pictures to wrap up what I feel like I'm still coming up short in saying...

Weighing in

Cuddled with Daddy

Mommy and baby shortly after giving birth

Daddy's thumb for a little perspective

A smitten Mommy

Beautiful Sonnie

 

Pregnancy Update - Week 32

Feels crazy to say I'm in Week 32. The numbers seem to be ticking away faster and faster. It's a good thing because I'm starting to get impatient - I want to meet Sonnie face-to-face!! I don't typically like to wish time away but since the hospital tour and the 3D ultrasound, my excitement has gone into overdrive. :) I've always been a very visual person so it's not surprising that by adding such a clear image of her face to my mind makes every kick and twist and turn that's going on in my belly so much more real. Maybe that sounds weird but it's true. I can better picture where she is (especially since I know she's head down already too) and what it feels like she may be doing in there. I had an especially strong visual the night she started using my ribs as a kick board. ;)

Physically, I'm feeling very 8 months pregnant. In some ways it's kinda fun...I'm sure there are people who think I'm crazy for saying that but when you previously began to sadly accept that you'd never do the pregnant waddle, there really is joy in catching yourself doing it. And I love the nurturing part of rubbing my belly...I do it all the time without even realizing that I am. I feel very blessed to share this connection with her and in spite of the discomfort, there's a lot to this that I really enjoy. Not to be unreal about what's happening though, this is all heavily accompianied by plenty of discomfort: there's leg pain, back pain, difficulty getting up, difficulty getting comfortable, etc. but the insomnia is about on my last nerve...it's been heightened this week by a wretched cough that's keeping me up more than anything. If this cold follows it's typical historical pattern, I've still got a few days to go before the cough will subside. I've ended up on the couch the last few nights to better prop myself up but mostly just to give poor Eric a reprieve from my incessant coughing, but I hate sleeping separate from him.

Which highlights my emotional state: increasingly impatient/moody.

I've always been one to have very heightened cycles. I get major mood swings and it's not just during that week but in the weeks leading up to it as well (sorry if this is TMI to any boys reading - fact of life though!). I assumed b/c of that, I'd be an emotional wreck all through this pregnancy. Much to my surprise, I've actually been fairly even keel. At least not beyond just normal moodiness that is simply part of being a human, anyway. Oh but these last few weeks, I feel my patience slipping from me. I'm more easily irritated. I'm also just more emotional overall, crying more easily and yes, even over not getting to sleep next to my husband b/c I'm coughing too hard for him to sleep at all. The first night I finally gave in to sleeping on the couch, I started out TICKED off by the coughing (like that crazy "oh, she's got that look in her eye; better get back" ticked off). Then I started crying b/c I was lonely for Eric, and then finished crying b/c I was so happy to be so lonely for my husband who was only a floor away. Yeah, I think it's clear that I'm kind of a hot mess right now. You might consider praying for those who have to deal with me regularly. :)

Something I posted about a few weeks ago was our need for a new vehicle. Well, Eric took the reigns on that and we are now the proud owners of a 97 Honda Odyssey MiniVan!! Don't let it's age fool you. It's a great vehicle - only 80,000 miles and it's been my experience that Honda vs. other car years are the same as people to dog years. Any other car you think 80,000 is getting up there but this van's just getting started! :) Got a 250,000 mile Civic to prove it. Okay, Honda commercial over... I'm just so impressed with Eric's find on this. And it was so nice that he just took care of it. I've never felt comfortable with the car buying process so for him to just handle it without my involvement was an act of true love in my eyes. ;) One night he's doing a quick look for things online and by the next afternoon, we were heading in to pick it up. Here's a picture of our newbie...

For Eric's sake, I'll have to take a new one with the hubcaps that are now all one color but for the time being, this will do.  We keep calling it a CarVan b/c it's just not all that big on the outside. Especially not for how roomy it feels on the inside. It's so nice to have a vehicle we can all ride comfortably in.

Well, I think that covers the Week 32 update. On this weekend's agenda is to get the office/where-a-lot-of-baby's-stuff-is-going-but-it-won't-be-a-full-fledged-nursery cleaned up so we can actually fit her stuff in it. And if there's time, maybe check out recliners. After that, it's just a matter of having baby showers and setting things up. Work is throwing me a shower on the 25th and the family one is a month from today on May 14th. I'm so excited about both. My dear friend/office mate, Elizabeth, asked me about preferences for the work one and my reply sums up where I am: "I don't really have preferences about the food & presents. I'm just excited to have a party to celebrate that I'm actually having a baby!" I think I'm most excited to just have the time to gush about all of her kicks and moves and how I'm feeling and how she's doing. I know I'm gonna risk sounding cheesy here but I don't care b/c it's how I feel: I'll be so grateful for the work that goes into the food prep and the presents of course but really, it's about celebrating this amazing miracle that's growing inside of me. God's blessed us with an amazing gift - what could be better than that?!? :)

Honeymoon!!

We have been blessed with a week in Hilton Head, SC. It has been FABULOUS!! So relaxing and nice to get away from the Ohio weather for a bit. Here are some favorite pictures of the week. :)



This is the light hitting the water while we were on a boating trip to see dolphins.



One of the dolphins we spotted. We saw quite a few on this trip. We also saw some while walking along the beach one day but didn't get any pictures of those.

  

The main entrance to our condo. Look at how GREEN it is!!




We found this beach after we drove by the small airport that was behind where we were staying. There was a park that felt like Hocking Hills where you parked and then there was this very quiet beach behind it. It was interesting to smell the combo of the woods and the ocean all mixed together.

  

More of the beach at the park.




Underneath a pier - I had a very similar shot this time last year when I headed to NC with my cousins/besties.

 

My feet belong in the sand. :)

 

View from the lighthouse tour we took. At 26 weeks pregnant and no elevator, I was pretty glad that the lighthouse was as short as it was!



And just to show what 26 weeks pregnant looks like for me, here it is! I felt like I got huge this week!

 

♥ Me & my sweetie on the beach ♥

 

♥ Us on the boating trip ♥



Wedding!!

Here are a few pictures of our wedding day! :) We had a small, very intimate, beautiful ceremony with our closest family there. It was a perfect, perfect day. I couldn't be happier to be Mrs. Hysell! :)

Saying our vows. We wrote them ourselves and it was perfect. :)

The smile that's been plastered on my face. :)

The KISS!

Insomina...not all bad ;)

So probably the most consistent symptom of pregnancy has been insomnia. Some nights I have trouble falling asleep but then get through the night. Most nights I'm good till about 3 and then I wake up and rarely get back to sleep (and I'm learning it's because Lil Miss is kicking at that hour and I believe her to be the main culprit!). Last night though I woke up at 1:30 and never made ti back to sleep. Gonna be a long one today!

BUT - I'm feeling like it's worth it. See, my fiance and I are getting married in a few weeks and we're writing our own vows. Something very important to both of us but we've both been kinda hesitant to get started because we both know that no matter what we say, it'll never feel like enough. He is absolutely the love of my life. Even that sounds small compared to how I feel. So how in the world do you sum up all that you want to say to someone so special in something that would fit into a wedding ceremony?!?

Well, you don't. You get insomnia and you grab your journal and you just plain start writing. What started with 2 or 3 thoughts I didn't want to forget, turned into 35 promises by the end! And I know I'm forgetting some.

I love this...this true, one-and-only type of love. I'm not trying to over glamourize it or make this out to be a fairy tale. I'm just telling it the only way that feels right. My heart is so deeply connected to his...I've never shared this type of depth, this strength of love from another human being. I am one very lucky girl. To have this. To have him. To know the beauty of "us". I am so blessed by him...

...and by a little insomnia-induced inspiration. ;)

Opinions are like...

In college I had a good friend named Nate who often stated this quote: "Opinions are like buttholes: everybody's got one and they all stink." This quote has stuck with me as much or more than anything I learned in any classroom. 

My heart is with an old friend who is hurting right now. She feels alone. She feels scared. And unfortunately, I think she feels judged. She's in one of the toughest situations of her life and instead of just sorting through the emotions & decisions that she is facing, she is also sifting through an onslaught of opinions about her choices that leave little room to feel supported. What she needs to feel is a level of support that will make her feel confident enough to make the choices that are right for her. What she's getting though is a chorus of "you screwed up again".

Why is it such human nature to so readily give our opinions? Why is it that without thinking, we can open our mouths and think that what we have to say in any given situation is worthwhile just because it popped into our heads for 2 seconds? How is it that we all have the same desire to be loved unconditionally, especially when we're down and yet, when it's our turn to do so for others, we so readily provide judgment and opinion instead? 

I think it's time to figure out how to close our mouths & listen. Listen to the ones who are hurting. Refuse the opinions that pop into your mind while they're talking and just listen to what those who are hurting are saying. Most of the time, they're not looking for answers. They're looking for a listening ear, a safe place, ways to build the confidence they need to make the right choices.

When I took education courses we talked a lot about the notion of a "self-fulfilled prophecy." Basically it meant that if a child was told something enough about themselves they started to believe it. Tell kids they can do anything and tell it to them often, they'll approach situations as though there isn't an option but to succeed. Tell kids they won't amount to anything and most likely, they'll live up to that expectation. This idea doesn't stop with children though: it's just plain human nature and I believe this idea applies directly to our reactions to hurting people.

• Shut the person down, tell them what they're doing wrong, don't give them a chance to believe they can make a good choice: they'll begin to believe they're not worthy of sharing, which leads to not feeling worthy of being good and making good choices, which can lead to a "what does it matter anyway?!" mindset that brings about further choices that hurt a person.
• OR...Listen, let them talk, show them love and create an environment in which they believe they can make the best choice for themselves: they'll begin to sense a feeling of self-worth, which leads to feeling worthy of taking the steps to make wise choices, which leads to an overall healthier mindset.

We have so many opportunities to show love & grace - let's stop giving up those chances for our own moments to spout off what we believe to be right & wrong. Especially speaking to the christian sect, it's time to start counting on God to take care of the conviction and time for us to just start taking care of his people. Often times we take the few commands to hold our peers accountable as our justification for giving a rebuke but think on this: the word "love" is mentioned 508 times (697 if you also count "loves" and "loved"). The word "judgment" is mentioned 162 times and the word "accountable" is mentioned a mere 8 times. Based on those numbers alone, it's obvious to me that more often than not, we should be choosing a path that fosters love rather than judgment.

I know in my own life, I've never learned or made a great change because someone told me what to do or directed me on all I was doing wrong. It has always been in the situations where I felt supported enough to feel okay with failing that I was able to rise up to make the best choice. I assume I'm in the majority on this. When people feel loved & supported, they tend to seek out the "advice" we're so eager to give from the get-go at a later point if they truly need it. And even more importantly, when we truly listen to people, we more often than not get the chance to learn that the situation isn't all we measured it up to be at that first point. People are complex and it's rare that there are 2 situations exactly alike. In light of this, many times our "advice" ends up being a slap in the face to what they are dealing with.

Let us choose love. Let us choose grace. And let us choose the humility that our opinions oftentimes aren't worth much more than anything else we're sending down the toilet. ;)

Grateful

Grateful.

That's the word that won't get out of my mind. I can't help but feel grateful and it's for a million different reasons...

♥ a sinkful of dirty dishes gone because my boyfriend just did them for me (even after doing 6 hours of maintenance on my car) ♥ a progress report that's full of C's & B's rather than C's & D's ♥ a baby that I got to see flipping back & forth on an ultrasound just days ago ♥ getting ready for our own Christmas Eve/Day with all of the kids together ♥ a God that loves us so much that he was willing to put his own son on earth here with us ♥ Christmas presents bought solely on cash for the second year in a row ♥ getting to wrap all of those presents as "prettily" as I possibly can ♥ getting to give those presents at Christmas gatherings with family this weekend (come on...get here already!!) ♥ knowing I'm with the love of my life - my soulmate ♥ a passion to continue to learn more about God as he continues to open my eyes to his possibilities ♥ a son that is finally starting to understand respect ♥ it finally being the season that I can listen to Christmas music non-stop and no one can tell me it's too early! ♥ same goes for Christmas movies ♥ a reason to celebrate this season beyond the presents, music, and movies ♥  a renewed understanding of God - one that shows his immense grace towards us ♥ a burden for those who feel hurt by "Christians" and don't want anything to do with God as a result ♥ experiencing pregnancy - I truly love every moment ♥ learning how to slow down enough to really enjoy life ♥ finding joy in every day ♥ learning to treat each day as a gift ♥

♥Meg

God Loves you - Even If You're Divorced - Part 2

Disclaimer: I put this on Part 1 as well but assuming that some may not have read that one, I'll place it on here too...Apparently after my initial posting of this, some felt it was my cryptic way of telling the world "what really happened" in my own divorce and in turn, have taken it upon themselves to create drama and spread lies. Please...to the ones this applies to: don't give yourself that much credit. This was written with the intent of supporting many people who I know that are wrestling with the struggles below - NOT of spilling the sordid details of my life or to be a cryptic tell-all. This blog will never be used for that intent. I have more class than that and I have no use for those who don't. If you've come here with that intent, please don't come back.

I left off from the last post with this: "You want to worry about where the sin is? It's believing so little of how God loves us that we put His law above His grace and in turn encourage people to stay where an emotional cancer will continue to eat away at them." This gets to the heart of my next point: BELIEVE in the fact that God LOVES you beyond our American type-A, do XYZ and you'll be the perfect Christian ways. God's law is important and I am not trying to de-value it in any way. However, I do think that the current vibe in the white American, evangelical, conservative Christian church is to put the law on such a pedestal that, to me, it often-times looks no different than what the Pharisees were doing to the law in biblical times. (If you do not know what a Pharisee is or if you just want to read a thought-provoking article, I suggest this: http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/6054640/are_there_pharisees_today_pg3.html?cat=9)

Some will instantaneously believe what I'm about to say is heresy but I say this from a deep devotion to loving God, believing in his word and truly loving his people. If you choose to see it otherwise, I can't change that, so here goes: Think of how long there have been people on earth and the relatively short time in comparison that those people have had the bible easily accessible to themselves. According to a brief google search, the very first printing press was invented in the 1400's. The shortest earth time spans given are somewhere between it being 6,000-10,000 years old and then of course there are scientists that believe it in being billions of years old. Let's use the shortest one as our time frame for the sake of argument. God's been in the picture all of those 6,000 years but only 10% of the time (600 years) has there been a printing press that allows for the bible, HIS WORD that we're supposed to follow to the letter, to be printed accessibly. Before the printing press, it took approximately 20 years to make ONE replication of the bible so the number of replications had to be in short supply. Not to mention that it took time for the printing press to make it's way across continents to all people and then literacy was an issue.

So for most of the history of man, God had to communicate with His people in some capacity that did NOT include the written word. I'm not saying to ignore it altogether by any stretch; we are incredibly blessed to have God's word at our fingertips and should take that responsibility seriously. But what I am saying is that just because it's in the Bible doesn't mean that God is forever bound to everything having to fall into what parameters we read out of it. People constantly disagree on what the bible means. Take lying for example: in one part of the bible it says that liars go to hell (at my conservative Christian college, this was taught so much that it was a popular catch phrase). But in another part Rahab - a prostitue - LIED to keep the Israelites safe in Jericho and is hailed as a hero. Ask any Christian if lying is okay though and they'll focus on the fact that it'll send you to hell or at the very least that it's one of the commandments not to do so. I've heard some Christians argue that there are NO exceptions, even if your life is at stake. But obviously there are exceptions to this if, just books later in the Old Testament, it tells the heroic story of Rahab. And I don't think that Rahab was the only exception of all time just because she was the ONE that was written about in the bible. Do I believe this justifies lying whenever we want to or even a majority of the time? Of course not. I do think though that there are times that God will expect us to trust his leading and his direction beyond just mindlessly following a rule, such as was the case with Rahab. If we are following the rule just for the sake of perfection, I believe that God will actually test us on this.

One of my bibles with the smallest print is 1208 pages...one thousand, two hundred and eight pages to tell EVERYTHING that God has to say over the course of ALL eternity... He created all of the earth, moon, stars, sun, EVERYTHING. He designed the human body to heal itself and to function with all of its intricacies. He made different seasons and different climates all over the world. He created so many species that more are discovered every day - our humanity can't keep up with it! But he only has 1208 pages worth of wisdom for us?!?!? Try again. Many times he talks through His word but sometimes He talks through our GUT!! I haven't even dove into the whole thought of tribal-type people who never hear of God but somehow know in their hearts that there is one; or people that learn of God from short term missionaries but only have a weekly or monthly church service to learn about Him from then on and no literacy to read the bible on their own. Do you think they worry about the mundane details of the word that we get so wrapped up in b/c we have every resource at our fingertips?!?! NO!! Sometimes, God uses common sense to get through to us but we're so "book smart" about Him, we miss the point!! How many "book-smart, common-sense dumb people do you know? It applies to Christianity too!!

All of this is to say that once you've sought out biblical advice, you've talked with people you know and trust, you've poured through the scriptures, and you've prayed with all of your heart, God will speak to you. Sometimes it will be right in line with scripture. But sometimes, it will surprise you. If we could figure out everything about God through a formula (and yes, conservative Christianity, you oftentimes boil God down to a formula), we wouldn't be serving the God that we simultaneously believe can do any & all. To truly trust God, sometimes you have to believe that what he's telling your gut - what you can't shake well after you've sought out every other possible avenue - is exactly what you need to do. I'm not justifying a whim-based decision. We all have all kinds of thoughts all the time that have nothing to do with God speaking to us. I'm talking about something that goes so deeply that you feel it's a part of you.

To those in that situation, know that it's okay to explore what you feel your gut (aka, God) is telling you. While you may decide later that it's nothing or just a brief fantasy of escaping life for a bit, it can also be something very real...it's OKAY to believe in your gut that it just may be God saying to get out! My heart has broken many times over for those who are in relationships that have created more brokenness than love. You don't have to want a miracle. You have permission to NOT want a miracle. You are no less of a Christian b/c you don't want to see this through to the miracle. Of course there are times that God will work a miracle in a relationship. What I'm saying here isn't a suggested first course of action. But I do believe there are times that people know and believe in their gut that the miracle will never come. God CAN work miracles but that does not always mean that he DOES. Oftentimes in our humanness we make mistakes; sometimes I believe the miracle is in a restored relationship and sometimes I believe the miracle is in the grace to find emotional health otherwise. God LOVES you, LOVES you, LOVES you. This statement has application for all but I especially want to speak out to those in abusive situations: you would NEVER ask your own child keep their promise to be in an abusive situation to prove their love to you...you wouldn't even think of it. But staying with an abusive husband because you made a vow is exactly what you are thinking that God expects of you. Keeping your wedding vow & staying in an abusive relationship to prove your love and loyalty to God. He LOVES you more than that...SO. MUCH. MORE.

Jesus himself said in Matthew 11:30: "For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” I don't believe that he is saying that all of Christianity is smooth sailing - look at what he endured on our behalf. However, I do believe that we oftentimes get so focused on finding perfection in following the law, that we completely throw grace out the window and in turn, we create an unneccesary burden on ourselves and others. I want to speak out on behalf of grace. I've been blessed enough to, for the first time in my life, truly understand what it's all about. I honestly believe it's a sin that modern Christianity treats it as something that only has to do with salvation. God loves us and wants good things for us. I think it's time we start actually believing that.

Beautifully Lived and Loved

In spring of 2009, I took my first trip down to Nashville, TN. I'd had friends years ago that took a family vacation there come home and tell me, "you HAVE to go there Megan...it's your town!" Little did I know how incredibly spot-on they were. I've done some traveling through the years but I'd never visited a place that I felt so instantaneously at home than when I've been in Nashville. I could (and just may someday!) definitely live there which is saying a lot for this home-body girl. Something transformational took place within me when I first went and I knew that I had been forever changed.

A big part of that was my experiences at the Bluebird Cafe. It's nothing spectacular to look at but the music that happens there is so authentic. Every show is for singer/songwriters only. You're not supposed to talk during the shows, it's all acoustic, everyone's crammed together about as tight as can be on these crappy chairs & itty-bitty tables and I LOVE it!! I came across it when I was trying to decide where to go hear some good music but knowing that the bar scene just wasn't for me - especially since I was there by myself. I happened across a despription that basically said if you're looking for a place to be loud - don't bother coming! Ahhhh...the place for me! ♥

So I showed up having no clue about the reservation system and lucked out to be seated in THE best seat in the house! (Knowing how it works now, I cannot believe I got seated there without a reservation!! God knew that I needed to be there - that's the only explanation I can come up with!) The gentleman I was seated with offered for me to sit with him at the tables he'd reserved the next night as well (being alone as well, if they couldn't find another single, they'd boot him out to a different section so they could fill all the seats; but if I came, we'd both get great seats!). Of course I went. Our seats were so close to the artists that I had to watch how I crossed my legs so that I wouldn't knock over the guitar. All of the artists were fantastic...so friendly and genuine. They do 2 shows each night: the first one with lesser-knows songwriters and the second one with people with more "hits". Now having been to 6 nights at the Bluebird, nearly all of my favorites have been the earlier shows (though, I should say I've never seen a show that I didn't like there). I don't know...they've all just had this down-to-earth quality that made the music just that much better.

One of my favorite artists that's come out of my Bluebird experiences has been Marcia Ramirez. Her music is exactly what I love - kinda country, kinda folksy, a teensy twinge of pop. She was so genuine - like you could actually have a conversation with her. When she sang, you felt like you were in her living room rather than a cafe.I highly recommend listening to her:  http://marciaramirez.com/

One of the songs she did that night is called Beautifully Lived. You know, when you're in the midst of making some life-changing decisions and feel like the world around you is crashing, sometimes a song can hit you like a ton of bricks...there were several songs like that for me in those first few nights at the Bluebird from all of the artists. But then there are songs that catch your attention and slowly work their way into your being...you don't even realize they're affecting you as much as they do and then one day you realize it's become your mantra. That's what this song was like for me. I heard her sing it one time and it stuck in my mind. Here's the words to the chorus:

Beautifully lived, beautifully loved
Look at my life and say, "well done"
Everyday a beautiful gift
Hoping something that I did
Made somebody's day, made somebody say,
"She had a life beautifully lived."

 As I've been working my way back to a healthier place mentally, this song rings in my mind. Wouldn't it be wonderful if everyone focused on having a life that was "beautifully lived"? With the experiences I've had in recent years to learn from, the support I have now and the much healthier mindset, I have been able to offer more grace to people, be more understanding, realize that I cannot guess or assume all facets of any situation because there is always more to it than I will ever know. It's a work in progress but it's definitely progressing - and I feel like a better person for it. I feel like I'm learning how to show more love, to be a better friend, to strive for authenticity. I'm working toward a "beautifullly lived" life.

It's not been easy. I've had to give up trying to please everyone around me in order to be able to do this. I've had to make some hard choices to be here but I'd do it 1,000 times over again to be in this place I am right now. For the first time in my life, it doesn't matter what everyone else thinks all the time. I let the approval of others rule my world - I spoke of following God (it was certainly my heart's intent) but I greatly confused that with the approval of His people. I have learned that those can oftentimes be two VERY different things. Now I try to let love rule and not worry about the rest.  Forget the details that people get so caught up in. The endless debates, the arguments...it all take away from what God wants us to do the most. The two greatest commandments are to LOVE God and to LOVE people.That sounds like a life beautifully lived to me. That sounds like the life for me.

♥Meg