A Greater Understanding

Well, it's been a while since I've been on here. It's been a pretty busy month. Sonnie is getting more active (fun!) and her colic has definitely been in full force (NOT so fun). My oldest also came back mid-August from a summer full of camps & time up north with his adoptive dad. Now we're officially back into the swing of the school routine & almost to "normal" life with me returning to work next Monday (boooooo!!!).

I'm not gonna lie....these last few weeks have been STRESSFUL. I'm learning that with a trauma-related adoption, each developmental stage means that many things that were learned before emotionally have to be re-learned or processed at the new developmental stage. Let me just say: we've hit a new developmental stage. Add that to my growing belief that we've made less attachment progress than I would have hoped to by this point and you've got one stressed out mama.

I find it so hard to talk to people about this b/c most don't understand it. They see a kid that can talk easily with them, "seems to be a happy kid" in school (direct teacher quote every year), etc. When I try to express our difficulty at home, in moments when I just need to talk, I'm often seen as only seeing the negative or getting down on him. My least favorite quote: "all kids his age do that". I know it's all well-meaning. I don't doubt those who mean to help. I love them for it (well, there's a few that just offer "advice" to hear themselves speak and put me down to make themselves feel better; those folks can take a flying leap. The rest of you I love your heart & intention.). But sometimes, all I'm really looking for is to be understood.

Well, tonight in my worry-induced insomnia, I found it. An article that describes in many cases EXACTLY how I feel about parenting a child that struggles to attach. One that acknowledges the love and uncertainty that can uniquely be found in this situation. Every day I feel like I've given him every piece of me; and every day I feel like I've failed him. I imagine many people would say that all parents feel the same way but trust me, they don't. Not like this. Every day I feel like I have nothing left to give; and every day I feel like I've not come close to giving enough.

So here's the article written by Marleen Kasbee. One that I'm certain I will reference often as I continue to seek out the best helps for my son and our journey to attachment. Hopefully it helps explain the times that I seem a little less than myself.

Taken from http://www.attachmentdisorder.net/You%27re_Not_Alone.htm 

SELF-BLAME: Many moms have the misconception that they should be able to solve their child’s problems (super-mom syndrome). The worst of all feelings! We are angels, not gods.

         
          GUILT (on many levels) ........:

1) Without knowing any better; most of us have lost our tempers (or worse) with our RAD child

2) about how we often feel toward our child: (let’s face it -------- their disorder makes them hard to "like" let alone "love" sometimes)

3) that "we" let our family fall apart (the God thing again)

4) that we don’t spend enough quality time with our other children, our spouse, and, in taking care of ourselves

5) that we are having trouble forgiving our child for past behaviors ………….. BIG ONE!

6) that we are angry with God for this tremendous challenge

ANGER (or betrayal or feeling frustrated......)

1) at our HUSBANDS: for not believing us or noticing the child’s strange manipulations, for not understanding, for not supporting us emotionally, for countermining our new parenting techniques (usually by loosing their temper), for not being as committed in using the new parenting techniques or reading the materials, for "saving" the child when he/she didn’t need saved, for not helping us when we needed helped, for leaving it all to us

2) at the system or adoption agency: Cries for help went out for years - bad advise and blame were given in return

3) at our Attachment Disordered child: for doing this "to us" - we took it personally (saw the child "as" the disorder, instead of a child "with" an emotional disorder)

4) at family and friends: for saying things like, "All kids do that!" ….and not understanding what our life was like

5) at ourselves: for not being our "old self" or fun anymore

6) at God: Why me?

7) at everyone you have had to explain the disorder to and that you have had to explain it to so many.

           DISTRUST of:

1) ourselves - our abilities (feeling un-empowered)

2) the system

3) helping professionals (We have been given so much "bad" advice; we question even "good" advice)

4) other supports

DESPAIR - LOSS OF HOPE: "Will it ever get better?" "Why read another book; nothing helps." "I’m tired."

ISOLATED & ALONE: no one understands and we "believe" we can’t get respite from our problem child

VICTIMIZED & BLAMED

OVERWHELMED: Many moms suffer from Depression, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and secondary Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

HELPLESS and/or FEELING MISUNDERSTOOD

DISCLAIMER: I struggled with whether or not I should post this in the interest of our family's privacy but really feel it's something I need people to understand. It's part of who we are, it's something we truly struggle with and I think it's important for people to have a greater understanding of what this is like. Too often we hide things in an effort to protect ourselves when really, it's more detrimental to hold it in. This is one of those times.

Wedding!!

Here are a few pictures of our wedding day! :) We had a small, very intimate, beautiful ceremony with our closest family there. It was a perfect, perfect day. I couldn't be happier to be Mrs. Hysell! :)

Saying our vows. We wrote them ourselves and it was perfect. :)

The smile that's been plastered on my face. :)

The KISS!

Insomina...not all bad ;)

So probably the most consistent symptom of pregnancy has been insomnia. Some nights I have trouble falling asleep but then get through the night. Most nights I'm good till about 3 and then I wake up and rarely get back to sleep (and I'm learning it's because Lil Miss is kicking at that hour and I believe her to be the main culprit!). Last night though I woke up at 1:30 and never made ti back to sleep. Gonna be a long one today!

BUT - I'm feeling like it's worth it. See, my fiance and I are getting married in a few weeks and we're writing our own vows. Something very important to both of us but we've both been kinda hesitant to get started because we both know that no matter what we say, it'll never feel like enough. He is absolutely the love of my life. Even that sounds small compared to how I feel. So how in the world do you sum up all that you want to say to someone so special in something that would fit into a wedding ceremony?!?

Well, you don't. You get insomnia and you grab your journal and you just plain start writing. What started with 2 or 3 thoughts I didn't want to forget, turned into 35 promises by the end! And I know I'm forgetting some.

I love this...this true, one-and-only type of love. I'm not trying to over glamourize it or make this out to be a fairy tale. I'm just telling it the only way that feels right. My heart is so deeply connected to his...I've never shared this type of depth, this strength of love from another human being. I am one very lucky girl. To have this. To have him. To know the beauty of "us". I am so blessed by him...

...and by a little insomnia-induced inspiration. ;)

TEEN-agers - UGH!!

I usually shoot to be uplifting or at least say something challenging in my posts but with an ever-rising blood pressure, I've chosen this as the best path today to just vent! I have a 14 year old son. Not just any 14 year old. No. He's one that was born in Ukraine to a horrible home situation for his first 6 years, then lived in an orphanage for the next 5 and then came to live in the US. I met him when he was 9 and had a small influence on him then but he's been with me since he was 11. So as of March, it's been a full 3 years since he's been under my care to mold, shape and be responsible for. As you can imagine, we've had our share of ups and downs.

And today, we're having a down.

My fiance and I are getting married in February. Less than a month away in fact and we have a baby on the way. He also has two kids ages 5 and almost 2. They're with us every weekend which means than between the weekends that Roma is with his dad and gone for boy scouts, he spends about 1, maybe 2 weekends a months with the kids. They have their typical sibling rivalries. I can certainly understand how those work. My brother and I could be brutal to one another growing up. I get when a child gets caught up in the moment of their emotions and take it out on each other. It doesn't go without reprimand but I get it. Kids need to learn how to process that stuff and they usually learn it on the ones they live with first and foremost.

Today though my son did something that was pre-meditated and just plain mean to the 5 year old. Fortunately, I caught what happened before the 5 year old ever knew what was going on. All of a sudden, I realized that all the progress that it seemed he had made in so many ways could easily be taken over by the orphanage mentality. He saw where he could be the bully and took advantage of it. We've had our suspicions about this before but nothing that was so blatant and 100% obvious as what happened today. It confirmed that he's lost what little trust he had started to gain and again we're back at square one in many ways. It's a tense house right now...he's cleaning his room in silence and I'm blogging to keep from doing or saying something I may later regret. Eric's calmly taking out his frustrations by putting the electronics on lock-down.

I never assumed that taking on parenting would be easy. Please no "did you think it'd be a walk in the park?!" comments - side note: why do parents no matter how novice or seasoned say these things to each other? Has it ever brought about some sort of benefit besides feeding the one's ego who said it? Side rant over. Anyway, like I said, I knew walking into being his parent that I would be in for some trying days. There are just some days where the frustration hits me more than others; when I can see that not only does this mentality apply to the current situation but it probably has also been in play during x, y, & z. And the kicker is when he tries to throw in an excuse - some way that it's not his fault or that he didn't mean it "that way" when it's very clear that he did. Nothing pushes my buttons more.

Some people think I'm too hard on him. That I don't give him enough leeway. That I don't give him enough room to just be the kid he wasn't able to be in his home situation or the orphanage. You know what I have to say to those folks? YOU take him for a week and we'll see what you have to say then. I'm not in the business of making up for lost time. I'm in the business of raising a contributing member of society that turns to God and family when troubles come rather than excuses, shitty "friends", or worse things like alcohol, drugs or other things that I'd rather not think about. Yes, he's got a lot of excuses that are valid - horrible upbringing, abuse, neglect...you name it, I bet it fits in there somewhere in his past. But when you've been an asshole because you relied on those excuses all day, at the end of the day, you're still an asshole. I'm in the business of teaching him to take some responsibility for those actions when they're things aimed at a 5 year old that never even knew it happened rather than dealing with the consequences of it when it happens on a much larger scale and no one was there to intervene.

So all I know is that today I'm aggravated with him. Earlier this week I was proud. I'm sure later this week I'll feel something else. I guess it's all par for the course and it's good that I found this outlet to deal with the emotions of today. My blood pressure is down. Maybe now I can be in the same room without wanting to go into an instant tirade. ;)

God Loves you - Even If You're Divorced - Part 2

Disclaimer: I put this on Part 1 as well but assuming that some may not have read that one, I'll place it on here too...Apparently after my initial posting of this, some felt it was my cryptic way of telling the world "what really happened" in my own divorce and in turn, have taken it upon themselves to create drama and spread lies. Please...to the ones this applies to: don't give yourself that much credit. This was written with the intent of supporting many people who I know that are wrestling with the struggles below - NOT of spilling the sordid details of my life or to be a cryptic tell-all. This blog will never be used for that intent. I have more class than that and I have no use for those who don't. If you've come here with that intent, please don't come back.

I left off from the last post with this: "You want to worry about where the sin is? It's believing so little of how God loves us that we put His law above His grace and in turn encourage people to stay where an emotional cancer will continue to eat away at them." This gets to the heart of my next point: BELIEVE in the fact that God LOVES you beyond our American type-A, do XYZ and you'll be the perfect Christian ways. God's law is important and I am not trying to de-value it in any way. However, I do think that the current vibe in the white American, evangelical, conservative Christian church is to put the law on such a pedestal that, to me, it often-times looks no different than what the Pharisees were doing to the law in biblical times. (If you do not know what a Pharisee is or if you just want to read a thought-provoking article, I suggest this: http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/6054640/are_there_pharisees_today_pg3.html?cat=9)

Some will instantaneously believe what I'm about to say is heresy but I say this from a deep devotion to loving God, believing in his word and truly loving his people. If you choose to see it otherwise, I can't change that, so here goes: Think of how long there have been people on earth and the relatively short time in comparison that those people have had the bible easily accessible to themselves. According to a brief google search, the very first printing press was invented in the 1400's. The shortest earth time spans given are somewhere between it being 6,000-10,000 years old and then of course there are scientists that believe it in being billions of years old. Let's use the shortest one as our time frame for the sake of argument. God's been in the picture all of those 6,000 years but only 10% of the time (600 years) has there been a printing press that allows for the bible, HIS WORD that we're supposed to follow to the letter, to be printed accessibly. Before the printing press, it took approximately 20 years to make ONE replication of the bible so the number of replications had to be in short supply. Not to mention that it took time for the printing press to make it's way across continents to all people and then literacy was an issue.

So for most of the history of man, God had to communicate with His people in some capacity that did NOT include the written word. I'm not saying to ignore it altogether by any stretch; we are incredibly blessed to have God's word at our fingertips and should take that responsibility seriously. But what I am saying is that just because it's in the Bible doesn't mean that God is forever bound to everything having to fall into what parameters we read out of it. People constantly disagree on what the bible means. Take lying for example: in one part of the bible it says that liars go to hell (at my conservative Christian college, this was taught so much that it was a popular catch phrase). But in another part Rahab - a prostitue - LIED to keep the Israelites safe in Jericho and is hailed as a hero. Ask any Christian if lying is okay though and they'll focus on the fact that it'll send you to hell or at the very least that it's one of the commandments not to do so. I've heard some Christians argue that there are NO exceptions, even if your life is at stake. But obviously there are exceptions to this if, just books later in the Old Testament, it tells the heroic story of Rahab. And I don't think that Rahab was the only exception of all time just because she was the ONE that was written about in the bible. Do I believe this justifies lying whenever we want to or even a majority of the time? Of course not. I do think though that there are times that God will expect us to trust his leading and his direction beyond just mindlessly following a rule, such as was the case with Rahab. If we are following the rule just for the sake of perfection, I believe that God will actually test us on this.

One of my bibles with the smallest print is 1208 pages...one thousand, two hundred and eight pages to tell EVERYTHING that God has to say over the course of ALL eternity... He created all of the earth, moon, stars, sun, EVERYTHING. He designed the human body to heal itself and to function with all of its intricacies. He made different seasons and different climates all over the world. He created so many species that more are discovered every day - our humanity can't keep up with it! But he only has 1208 pages worth of wisdom for us?!?!? Try again. Many times he talks through His word but sometimes He talks through our GUT!! I haven't even dove into the whole thought of tribal-type people who never hear of God but somehow know in their hearts that there is one; or people that learn of God from short term missionaries but only have a weekly or monthly church service to learn about Him from then on and no literacy to read the bible on their own. Do you think they worry about the mundane details of the word that we get so wrapped up in b/c we have every resource at our fingertips?!?! NO!! Sometimes, God uses common sense to get through to us but we're so "book smart" about Him, we miss the point!! How many "book-smart, common-sense dumb people do you know? It applies to Christianity too!!

All of this is to say that once you've sought out biblical advice, you've talked with people you know and trust, you've poured through the scriptures, and you've prayed with all of your heart, God will speak to you. Sometimes it will be right in line with scripture. But sometimes, it will surprise you. If we could figure out everything about God through a formula (and yes, conservative Christianity, you oftentimes boil God down to a formula), we wouldn't be serving the God that we simultaneously believe can do any & all. To truly trust God, sometimes you have to believe that what he's telling your gut - what you can't shake well after you've sought out every other possible avenue - is exactly what you need to do. I'm not justifying a whim-based decision. We all have all kinds of thoughts all the time that have nothing to do with God speaking to us. I'm talking about something that goes so deeply that you feel it's a part of you.

To those in that situation, know that it's okay to explore what you feel your gut (aka, God) is telling you. While you may decide later that it's nothing or just a brief fantasy of escaping life for a bit, it can also be something very real...it's OKAY to believe in your gut that it just may be God saying to get out! My heart has broken many times over for those who are in relationships that have created more brokenness than love. You don't have to want a miracle. You have permission to NOT want a miracle. You are no less of a Christian b/c you don't want to see this through to the miracle. Of course there are times that God will work a miracle in a relationship. What I'm saying here isn't a suggested first course of action. But I do believe there are times that people know and believe in their gut that the miracle will never come. God CAN work miracles but that does not always mean that he DOES. Oftentimes in our humanness we make mistakes; sometimes I believe the miracle is in a restored relationship and sometimes I believe the miracle is in the grace to find emotional health otherwise. God LOVES you, LOVES you, LOVES you. This statement has application for all but I especially want to speak out to those in abusive situations: you would NEVER ask your own child keep their promise to be in an abusive situation to prove their love to you...you wouldn't even think of it. But staying with an abusive husband because you made a vow is exactly what you are thinking that God expects of you. Keeping your wedding vow & staying in an abusive relationship to prove your love and loyalty to God. He LOVES you more than that...SO. MUCH. MORE.

Jesus himself said in Matthew 11:30: "For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” I don't believe that he is saying that all of Christianity is smooth sailing - look at what he endured on our behalf. However, I do believe that we oftentimes get so focused on finding perfection in following the law, that we completely throw grace out the window and in turn, we create an unneccesary burden on ourselves and others. I want to speak out on behalf of grace. I've been blessed enough to, for the first time in my life, truly understand what it's all about. I honestly believe it's a sin that modern Christianity treats it as something that only has to do with salvation. God loves us and wants good things for us. I think it's time we start actually believing that.

God Loves You - Even If You're Divorced - Part 1

Disclaimer: Apparently after my initial posting of this, some felt it was my cryptic way of telling the world "what really happened" in my own divorce and in turn, have taken it upon themselves to create drama and spread lies. Please...to the ones this applies to: don't give yourself that much credit. This was written with the intent of supporting many people who I know that are wrestling with the struggles below - NOT of spilling the sordid details of my life or to be a cryptic tell-all. This blog will never be used for that intent. I have more class than that and I have no use for those who don't. If you've come here with that intent, please don't come back.

The past couple years have taught me a lot. I've gone through a divorce and as someone that believes deeply in God & Jesus, this was no light task. I chose to leave. And while I know that I sought God with every fiber of my being throughout the entire process, because my ultimate decision was to leave, my faith has been questioned from every angle. Many people seemed to understand the process of questioning things but very few actually offered me a moment of grace once the decision was made. I am grateful for the few that did; for those that were willing to see that my character had not changed throughout, that offered me the grace to take the time to open up as I needed to in order to share the pains and struggles that led me to this, and that understood that I could make this decision and STILL love and follow God the same way - that I hadn't forfeited my eternity in heaven because of it. I wouldn't be where I am now - the most emotionally & spiritually healthy I feel I've ever been - if it hadn't been for those people that chose to love me before they loved the rules. The love of those people are what have inspired me to write this post...

Divorce is NOT the end of one's relationship with God.

I'm not denoucing the word of God by saying this though I know there are many that will disagree with me. I know in my own life that the grace, direction & leading of God I experienced in this journey has been undeniable. I know that I'm not the only one who has experienced this. And unfortunately, I also know that there are few who feel that they can talk about this in Christian circles. It's all been something to just wrestle with until I see someone else going through it. Suddenly, it seems time to speak up.

I went to an incredibly conservative Christian college where the mere thought of divorce seemed to be a sin, let alone actually going through one. I was impressed when it was taught in a family psychology class that adultery does not only mean when a spouse cheats on another. Adultery is, in it's truest form of the word, a deep betrayal; a latin-english dictionary says: "a breaking of a marriage". We talked specifically in that class about what other forms of betrayal can fall in this category (this list is non-inclusive): addictions that one doesn't seek help for (or consistently "says" they will seek help but never truly make a change) including porn, alcohol abuse, substance abuse, etc.; physical abuse; emotional abuse; spiritual abuse; etc. Just because a spouse does not cheat on another through sexual infidelity, it does not mean that there aren't other betrayals worthy of severing the relationship. These betrayals create a relationship of toxicity and left untreated, can act as a cancer on one's emotional being.

I get incredibly defensive with those who chose to see this otherwise. I tend to believe that these people care more about their OWN interpretation of God's word rather than seeing people in a healthy place where they can know their savior more deeply. God calls us to trials but I think that we serve a sick god if he uses an abusive marriage or a perpetually toxic relationship to test us on that. You wouldn't want that for your best friend and if it were your child, your "mama bear" instinct would be turned on so fast that you wouldn't be able to see straight.

Matthew 7:9-11:  ⁹ “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? ¹⁰ Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? ¹¹ If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

Do you really think God loves you less than you love your own children? There's no way! While I believe whole heartedly that there is a time and place to give chances, make efforts, and to work towards reconciliation, I also believe that there is a time when enough is enough. Yes, God CAN work a miracle - of course He can! But there are times that God chooses to not to and to stay in the relationship creates just as much or more damage to our relationship with Him than if we'd stayed just to follow the law. Quite frankly, anyone who disagrees with me needs to know that God loves us a million times more than they believe in. You want to worry about where the sin is? It's believing so little of how God loves us that we put His law above His grace and in turn encourage people to stay where an emotional cancer will continue to eat away at them.

Part 2 - Believe that God loves you more!! Coming soon...

♥ you ♥ blessed ♥ my ♥ heart ♥

You know, when you go through something difficult - something you know you MUST do but you are scared to death to go through it - the scariest part can be learning who your true friends are through it. I read in a blog post recently about someone who actually lost friends as they were losing weight - the closer they got to meeting their goal, the more jealous some of their friends became, offering every temptation they could to get off track. I don't think that's truly that uncommon. People act out when they feel insecure and having someone that used to make them feel secure suddenly make them feel insecure can be that way.

I've been through some tough stuff in the last few years and long story short, I felt like I'd lost a lot of friends along the way. Often I felt that my very presence created a divide. Very few that actually "turned" on me so-to-speak but there were several that I felt awkward around. I didn't want to and I don't think that they wanted to but there the uneasiness sat in the room, as if it were an invited guest. I hated that guest. Seemed for a while that he followed me everywhere...

Things have really mellowed out though over the summer. A lot of people tell me they notice a change in me - that I've got my smile back. Some people that, I think, thought that I was just jumping off the deep end have had their fears calmed as it's been over a year now and I'm still sane; I still love Jesus as much (I'd actually say more) than I did before; and it's undeniable that I'm just plain happy again. Still, I've been hesitant to be around some folks because I just never knew if that crazy guest would crash my party again.

Tonight I felt like he got the message that he's an unwanted guest - by all parties. Surrounded by some of my most favorite friends who've been in my life for a decade this month, I felt a warmth in their friendship, a depth to their smiles, such an intense welcome...it was an incredibly wonderful time. It was simple, no fanfare to the evening. In fact it was just practicing a song to perform for a wedding but being able to feel "normal" around them and to not have the weight of what's happened overshadowing the moment meant the world to me.

I'm grateful for them and for all of those who have loved me through this time. I'm grateful for those who sought me out to ask the tough questions rather than making assumptions. I'm grateful for those who have had the grace to understand that God does not fit all things into a cookie-cutter plan. (Side thought - if he did, we'd probably be able to figure him out and I don't believe I serve a god that I can fathom in my very finite human mind...but that's for another blog post!) I'm grateful for those who worked through the times that I brought my unwanted guest along. I'm especially grateful for the very few that I let in deep enough to see the whole picture and who treated me with the utmost love & respect and that I've shared the deepest relationships with that I've ever known.

Ahhh...today I feel very blessed.

♥Meg

Slowing down

I just read the headline of an article about the goal to curb childhood obesity by 2015. This stream of consciousness followed:

• How do they plan to do that?
• Probably a bunch of marketing techniques...
• Get all of America on board with it; get everyone to stop eating fast food so much.
• Yeah right...that'll happen; not with the stories I hear of so many people being expected to work insane hours at their jobs.
• Til that stops, people won't stop chosing the convenience over health.
• Hmmm...bet people used to be healthier b/c you HAD to go home and make dinner. America stopped at dinnertime.
• You can see it in the movies. Miracle on 34th Street - great example. Mr. Macy himself is having a big meeting with his executives and one taps his watch and Mr. Macy says, "oh, yes, we all need to get home for dinner." Not today...
• I wish our culture would swing back that way...I hate the go-go-go mindset.

In the past couple years, I've slowed down a LOT. It started out as a way to isolate myself some because of all that I was going through but once the pace lessened I realized that I really liked it. Slowing down means a lot more than what it can seem to an over-booked outsider (ah-hem, that was me). On the outside to me it looked like giving up my involvment with different groups and different people which seemed like it meant giving up friends. What I've learned is that it means giving up acquaintences - people I had previously given way too much of myself. It also means that I have gained the right to keep 3-4 of my weeknights free because I WANT to be home with my family and I don't need any more reason than that. It means that my time is free to be more available to spend time with those that truly mean the most to me. My inner circle is tighter and so much deeper as a result.

So here's to taking a little time to slow down, to free up the calendar, to just enjoy life at the pace it was taken by nearly every generation before us. And in the process we just might find a little more time to eat healthier, exercise more and sleep better.