Pregnancy Update - Week 34

Kicked off the beginning of week 34 with a fun Easter day at my parents' church and then to their house for lunch. We had all the kiddos with us which was so nice. They all seemed to have a good time and it's always good to be with family. I was really bummed that it was too wet to do the Easter Egg Hunt that Mom had worked so hard on. It was hard to imagine keeping the little ones from being totally covered in wet & mud though. This rain can seriously let up any time now...(just jinxed us for a summer drought, didn't I?)

Then on Monday my awesome co-workers had a shower for the baby! I did a great job in remembering to bring the camera to work. I did not do such a great job in remembering to bring the camera to the room the shower was in! :( So...I took pictures of all the goodies once I got them home. While those are wonderful, I sure wish I had pictures of the awesome people behind all those goodies though.



All of the presents prior to removing them from the gift bags. I wouldn't let myself until I had the thank you notes done! :)




All the goodies out of the gift bags (except that all the diapers and wipes are consolidated into a couple gift bags). I love all the colors of blankets, outfits, etc. that people chose. My co-workers have such great taste!!




And she begins to take over this closet...

 Side note on the closet: It had to be cleaned out and while all of this baby prep is going on, there's also been some tax refund...uh, fun. Yeah...we'll call it "fun". I short I had to find receipts related to the adoption (from 2008!!). I thought I couldn't find a handful of the most important ones but in the final sweep of cleaning out this closet, there they were! I didn't realize how much that was weighing on my mind until the weight was lifted! Whew!

Then also on Monday, Sonnie's travel system arrived! (Thank you Memaw & Papap!) The stroller isn't together yet but I took a picture of the car seat. It's sooooooooo pretty!! I can't believe that this little person that once never was will soon be riding around in our car with us in this very seat.



It's soooo pretty!! Sonnie will be very classy. :)


We'll also be getting our rocker-recliner this week for the nursery/office. (Thank you Grandma & Grandpa!) We picked it out last week and are able to pick it up this week. We were thinking a glider rocker but after some thought, decided we wanted something that you could fall asleep in if you wanted to, so a La-Z-Boy it is!



This chair is summoning my aching back as I type...


Tomorrow I head in for my 34 week check up which is the last appointment that I'll schedule 2 weeks out when I leave. After that, I'll see the dr. every week. And at the 36 week appt I'll get another ultrasound to make sure she's not too big due to having gestational diabetes. My numbers have been pretty decent so I feel confident it'll be okay.

And Saturday I'll kick off the start of week 35 by heading to see Mary Poppins with my cousins Amy & Christy!! I can't wait!

Pregnancy Update - Week 32

Feels crazy to say I'm in Week 32. The numbers seem to be ticking away faster and faster. It's a good thing because I'm starting to get impatient - I want to meet Sonnie face-to-face!! I don't typically like to wish time away but since the hospital tour and the 3D ultrasound, my excitement has gone into overdrive. :) I've always been a very visual person so it's not surprising that by adding such a clear image of her face to my mind makes every kick and twist and turn that's going on in my belly so much more real. Maybe that sounds weird but it's true. I can better picture where she is (especially since I know she's head down already too) and what it feels like she may be doing in there. I had an especially strong visual the night she started using my ribs as a kick board. ;)

Physically, I'm feeling very 8 months pregnant. In some ways it's kinda fun...I'm sure there are people who think I'm crazy for saying that but when you previously began to sadly accept that you'd never do the pregnant waddle, there really is joy in catching yourself doing it. And I love the nurturing part of rubbing my belly...I do it all the time without even realizing that I am. I feel very blessed to share this connection with her and in spite of the discomfort, there's a lot to this that I really enjoy. Not to be unreal about what's happening though, this is all heavily accompianied by plenty of discomfort: there's leg pain, back pain, difficulty getting up, difficulty getting comfortable, etc. but the insomnia is about on my last nerve...it's been heightened this week by a wretched cough that's keeping me up more than anything. If this cold follows it's typical historical pattern, I've still got a few days to go before the cough will subside. I've ended up on the couch the last few nights to better prop myself up but mostly just to give poor Eric a reprieve from my incessant coughing, but I hate sleeping separate from him.

Which highlights my emotional state: increasingly impatient/moody.

I've always been one to have very heightened cycles. I get major mood swings and it's not just during that week but in the weeks leading up to it as well (sorry if this is TMI to any boys reading - fact of life though!). I assumed b/c of that, I'd be an emotional wreck all through this pregnancy. Much to my surprise, I've actually been fairly even keel. At least not beyond just normal moodiness that is simply part of being a human, anyway. Oh but these last few weeks, I feel my patience slipping from me. I'm more easily irritated. I'm also just more emotional overall, crying more easily and yes, even over not getting to sleep next to my husband b/c I'm coughing too hard for him to sleep at all. The first night I finally gave in to sleeping on the couch, I started out TICKED off by the coughing (like that crazy "oh, she's got that look in her eye; better get back" ticked off). Then I started crying b/c I was lonely for Eric, and then finished crying b/c I was so happy to be so lonely for my husband who was only a floor away. Yeah, I think it's clear that I'm kind of a hot mess right now. You might consider praying for those who have to deal with me regularly. :)

Something I posted about a few weeks ago was our need for a new vehicle. Well, Eric took the reigns on that and we are now the proud owners of a 97 Honda Odyssey MiniVan!! Don't let it's age fool you. It's a great vehicle - only 80,000 miles and it's been my experience that Honda vs. other car years are the same as people to dog years. Any other car you think 80,000 is getting up there but this van's just getting started! :) Got a 250,000 mile Civic to prove it. Okay, Honda commercial over... I'm just so impressed with Eric's find on this. And it was so nice that he just took care of it. I've never felt comfortable with the car buying process so for him to just handle it without my involvement was an act of true love in my eyes. ;) One night he's doing a quick look for things online and by the next afternoon, we were heading in to pick it up. Here's a picture of our newbie...

For Eric's sake, I'll have to take a new one with the hubcaps that are now all one color but for the time being, this will do.  We keep calling it a CarVan b/c it's just not all that big on the outside. Especially not for how roomy it feels on the inside. It's so nice to have a vehicle we can all ride comfortably in.

Well, I think that covers the Week 32 update. On this weekend's agenda is to get the office/where-a-lot-of-baby's-stuff-is-going-but-it-won't-be-a-full-fledged-nursery cleaned up so we can actually fit her stuff in it. And if there's time, maybe check out recliners. After that, it's just a matter of having baby showers and setting things up. Work is throwing me a shower on the 25th and the family one is a month from today on May 14th. I'm so excited about both. My dear friend/office mate, Elizabeth, asked me about preferences for the work one and my reply sums up where I am: "I don't really have preferences about the food & presents. I'm just excited to have a party to celebrate that I'm actually having a baby!" I think I'm most excited to just have the time to gush about all of her kicks and moves and how I'm feeling and how she's doing. I know I'm gonna risk sounding cheesy here but I don't care b/c it's how I feel: I'll be so grateful for the work that goes into the food prep and the presents of course but really, it's about celebrating this amazing miracle that's growing inside of me. God's blessed us with an amazing gift - what could be better than that?!? :)

I ♥ This

So last night, I'm trying to fall asleep. The routine the last couple nights has been that just as I settle into that pre-sleep breathing pattern, the baby starts to move like crazy. It's not so good for battling insomnia but otherwise lots of fun so I'm thoroughly enjoying our little ritual. I've felt her in different spots and for the most part, it's all just seemed like twitches. Nothing that's felt like a definite kick or jab quite yet. Last night though, she found my bladder and I am pretty sure was using it as a trampoline! Or maybe a punching bag? I thought at first that I could just lay there and it would stop but it just got more and more intense. A couple flips of my own and she was back to her twitches. Part of me wanted to stay there just because this was the most I'd felt her up to this point but considering my concern with having a bed-wetting accident, I decided to find a new position.

I've gotta say (again!) that I LOVE all of this. I love being pregnant. I love the way I feel. I know I could easily be one of those people who posts 5 times a day on Facebook about my every symptom and flutter and excitement - I just don't want to be that obnoxious! So I'll just post it on here - Ha! As one who has always struggled with her weight, I've not always had a strong confidence in my body; infertility only compounded that when I felt like my body didn't work the way that it should. But this has changed all of that so much. I feel strong and beautiful and glowing. I have such a huge respect for the miracle going on inside of me. I can't wait for her to get here but in some ways, it seems like it's all going so fast. This part has been so exciting...I don't want to rush it.

Insomina...not all bad ;)

So probably the most consistent symptom of pregnancy has been insomnia. Some nights I have trouble falling asleep but then get through the night. Most nights I'm good till about 3 and then I wake up and rarely get back to sleep (and I'm learning it's because Lil Miss is kicking at that hour and I believe her to be the main culprit!). Last night though I woke up at 1:30 and never made ti back to sleep. Gonna be a long one today!

BUT - I'm feeling like it's worth it. See, my fiance and I are getting married in a few weeks and we're writing our own vows. Something very important to both of us but we've both been kinda hesitant to get started because we both know that no matter what we say, it'll never feel like enough. He is absolutely the love of my life. Even that sounds small compared to how I feel. So how in the world do you sum up all that you want to say to someone so special in something that would fit into a wedding ceremony?!?

Well, you don't. You get insomnia and you grab your journal and you just plain start writing. What started with 2 or 3 thoughts I didn't want to forget, turned into 35 promises by the end! And I know I'm forgetting some.

I love this...this true, one-and-only type of love. I'm not trying to over glamourize it or make this out to be a fairy tale. I'm just telling it the only way that feels right. My heart is so deeply connected to his...I've never shared this type of depth, this strength of love from another human being. I am one very lucky girl. To have this. To have him. To know the beauty of "us". I am so blessed by him...

...and by a little insomnia-induced inspiration. ;)

A Promise

It was sometime in 2007. I was plugging away at adoption paperwork feeling like it would never get to where it needed to be in the insane timelines they were requesting it to be there. This was an international adoption of a child in Ukraine and their system isn't exactly known to be smooth-sailing. It seemed like the rules changed every time I turned around and it was pushing my limits of sanity for sure. I thought the struggles of infertility were an emotional roller coaster but at this point, I'd deemed this to be worse.

On one particularly draining day, I opened my bible to seek out some comfort with this. Now, I'm not typically the type to close my eyes and pick a verse and call it divine inspiration but on this day, it seemed warranted. I didn't have the energy or hope for much else so I went for this method anyway. I was a bit shocked at how specific God was with me that day when I opened my bible and my finger was resting on Isaiah 60:4b (NASB)...

"Your sons will come from afar and your daughters will be carried in the arms."

Huh?! Did I just read that right? I was expecting a "trust in the Lord..." or "he meets your every need" kind of statement. Not something 1) specifically about a son or 2) about that son coming from "afar"!! And then the kicker with the daughters part. I was so engrossed with the sons part of the verse that I didn't talk as much about the daughters part. But I knew it in my gut at that minute that it was God saying I'd somehow, someway have a baby girl that I'd carry in my arms. And even though I knew there were a host of ways that I could come to parent a baby girl, I really felt that I would carry this baby myself.

This week was the ultrasound for the baby where we could find out what gender it is. I have been so sure since the minute that the little stick said "pregnant" that this baby would be a girl. Talking with my fiance about it even that night, I kept referencing it as a girl knowing that there's no way I should know that. Especially since it took weeks before I really believed that I was actually pregnant. When the doctor said with 99% certainty that it's a girl, I was not shocked one bit.

I love how God communicates with us in so many different ways. This time is was incredibly specific and while it took about 4 years to come to be, it did. It was what was in the back of my mind every time I thought that I should just give up and let go of this whole dream of carrying a child. This little girl, who is healthy in every way they could check her, is beyond a miracle to me. She is the fulfillment of a promise. A promise that I am and will be forever grateful for.

Pregnancy Update

I have been so blessed with this pregnancy. I've had all kinds of symptoms but none incredibly severe.

I had my bouts with nausea, several times that I succumbed to it, meals that I prepared or ordered only to take one bite and have to push it away.

I had that super-sleepy phase where I couldn't pry myself out of bed until 5 minutes before my 14-year-old was headed out the door so I could just say good-bye and then was falling asleep by 7:30 or 8pm at night.

I've had on-and-off struggles with insomnia starting with the night the little stick told us the news. I never went to sleep that night b/c my brain was racing. Then there was a phase when my arms were getting tingly but pillows seemed to alleviate that. Then there was that awful head cold - again, pillows came to the rescue. Now if I can't sleep it's because my left hip goes numb if I lay a certain way on either side of my body...you know, the ways they tell you that you should sleep.

I've had days where I swear if all was silent and you listen closely that you could actually hear my hip bones creaking from all the expanding their doing! It's been such a drastic change that I can feel them sticking out in different ways when I'm trying to get comfy to go to sleep and even just sitting here now, I'm aware of their unusual protrusion.

I'm so excited though b/c now I'm starting to show. I've never been a skinny girl and I tend to carry my weight in my midsection anyway so in some ways, I feel like more than the average girl I just look like I've put on some extra weight. So to be to the point that it's starting to look like the result of a pregnancy rather than a box of donuts, I'm quite thrilled. I know some people hate them but I've fully embraced my maternity wear. So blessed by a friend's hand-me-downs, I love being to the point that I can wear the cute little shirts that scream - "I've got a baby in here!!"

I have loved being pregnant. I mean really LOVED it. Even in the midst of hovering over the toilet, I felt an honest gratefulness for what it meant. At a work party for my fiance last weekend after standing for almost an hour my back was killing me and I started feeling light-headed; while I needed to find a chair ASAP, I loved that it was because of the ever-growing little one inside of me. I'm so excited for this little one to arrive but at the same time, I am savoring every minute of finally having the honor to carry it.

For so many years I'd curse my cycle. One: it was most months miserable, painful and I now realize well beyond what is considered in the realm of "normal". But two: I felt like, "oh sure, you can bring me all the pain but you can't do the other part you're supposed to in giving me a baby! If you're not going to work at all, just DON'T come!!!" Obviously, I'm grateful that didn't happen. And I've been keenly aware of God's timing through all of this. I believe He knew EXACTLY who I needed to be sharing this experience with and where I needed to be in my mental/emotional/spiritual health before taking this on. People would always tell me that "someday" I would understand God's timing with this and it "may not be on this side of heaven" but someday I would. I wanted to punch people when they told me that but in hindsight, it actually happened. I still will do my very best to never say it to anyone who is really struggling b/c essentially saying "at least you'll find out when you die" is never reassuring. But, I am grateful that in this case God did reveal a host of reasons why He was waiting...even though we're not <gasp!> married...Oh, so much I could dive into here but nah...it's just not worth the argument. Besides, I know how God has made it clear to me and to Eric that this baby is of His doing, His timing - that's all I need.

So that's where we are and what's been happening with this pregnancy. This Saturday marks the beginning of week 21 for me which means I have officially hit the halfway point!! Woohoo!! Aaaand, we find out one week from today if the little one is a boy or a girl! Double woohoo!!!! I feel very much like it's a girl but I'm doing all I can to prep my brain that it has just as much of a chance to be a boy. No matter what, it's the first little baby that's given me the joy of pregnancy so it will be loved, loved, loved just as much as all the kids are in my life!! My 14-year-old and I have a bet going b/c he thinks it's a boy. Whoever is wrong has to play chef for an evening and cook whatever the "winner" demands. If I'm right and with the potential for pregnancy cravings, he may have no clue what he's getting himself into!! :)

Grateful

Grateful.

That's the word that won't get out of my mind. I can't help but feel grateful and it's for a million different reasons...

♥ a sinkful of dirty dishes gone because my boyfriend just did them for me (even after doing 6 hours of maintenance on my car) ♥ a progress report that's full of C's & B's rather than C's & D's ♥ a baby that I got to see flipping back & forth on an ultrasound just days ago ♥ getting ready for our own Christmas Eve/Day with all of the kids together ♥ a God that loves us so much that he was willing to put his own son on earth here with us ♥ Christmas presents bought solely on cash for the second year in a row ♥ getting to wrap all of those presents as "prettily" as I possibly can ♥ getting to give those presents at Christmas gatherings with family this weekend (come on...get here already!!) ♥ knowing I'm with the love of my life - my soulmate ♥ a passion to continue to learn more about God as he continues to open my eyes to his possibilities ♥ a son that is finally starting to understand respect ♥ it finally being the season that I can listen to Christmas music non-stop and no one can tell me it's too early! ♥ same goes for Christmas movies ♥ a reason to celebrate this season beyond the presents, music, and movies ♥  a renewed understanding of God - one that shows his immense grace towards us ♥ a burden for those who feel hurt by "Christians" and don't want anything to do with God as a result ♥ experiencing pregnancy - I truly love every moment ♥ learning how to slow down enough to really enjoy life ♥ finding joy in every day ♥ learning to treat each day as a gift ♥

♥Meg

A Miracle

It's been 8 years since I started a journey towards having a child. "Unexplained Infertility" was the diagnosis that I received. No answers. No way to explain why it wasn't happening or guarantee that it couldn't happen. A permanent limbo of sorts that created more heartache than I understood. I learned a lot in that time: how taboo the topic of infertility is, some hard-learned lessons about control & God's timing, what NOT to say to people in tough situations. In finding the emotional & spiritual health I have in the last few years, I was just starting to make peace with my body and to let go of what hold it still had on me...

And then, with all of the other new beginnings I've had recently, this little miracle has been the biggest surprise of them all! My amazing fiance and I are pregnant - due June 12th!

I couldn't be more grateful that God has blessed us with this baby! I'm enjoying every second of the pregnancy and have been so thankful for good health for us both so far. To think I was already overwhelmed with the joy I was experiencing in my life - to add this little bundle makes it that much richer!

♥ you ♥ blessed ♥ my ♥ heart ♥

You know, when you go through something difficult - something you know you MUST do but you are scared to death to go through it - the scariest part can be learning who your true friends are through it. I read in a blog post recently about someone who actually lost friends as they were losing weight - the closer they got to meeting their goal, the more jealous some of their friends became, offering every temptation they could to get off track. I don't think that's truly that uncommon. People act out when they feel insecure and having someone that used to make them feel secure suddenly make them feel insecure can be that way.

I've been through some tough stuff in the last few years and long story short, I felt like I'd lost a lot of friends along the way. Often I felt that my very presence created a divide. Very few that actually "turned" on me so-to-speak but there were several that I felt awkward around. I didn't want to and I don't think that they wanted to but there the uneasiness sat in the room, as if it were an invited guest. I hated that guest. Seemed for a while that he followed me everywhere...

Things have really mellowed out though over the summer. A lot of people tell me they notice a change in me - that I've got my smile back. Some people that, I think, thought that I was just jumping off the deep end have had their fears calmed as it's been over a year now and I'm still sane; I still love Jesus as much (I'd actually say more) than I did before; and it's undeniable that I'm just plain happy again. Still, I've been hesitant to be around some folks because I just never knew if that crazy guest would crash my party again.

Tonight I felt like he got the message that he's an unwanted guest - by all parties. Surrounded by some of my most favorite friends who've been in my life for a decade this month, I felt a warmth in their friendship, a depth to their smiles, such an intense welcome...it was an incredibly wonderful time. It was simple, no fanfare to the evening. In fact it was just practicing a song to perform for a wedding but being able to feel "normal" around them and to not have the weight of what's happened overshadowing the moment meant the world to me.

I'm grateful for them and for all of those who have loved me through this time. I'm grateful for those who sought me out to ask the tough questions rather than making assumptions. I'm grateful for those who have had the grace to understand that God does not fit all things into a cookie-cutter plan. (Side thought - if he did, we'd probably be able to figure him out and I don't believe I serve a god that I can fathom in my very finite human mind...but that's for another blog post!) I'm grateful for those who worked through the times that I brought my unwanted guest along. I'm especially grateful for the very few that I let in deep enough to see the whole picture and who treated me with the utmost love & respect and that I've shared the deepest relationships with that I've ever known.

Ahhh...today I feel very blessed.

♥Meg