I was just reading through one of my old journals this morning. It was from the hardest time in my life and while it's been on the shelf in the same spot for months, something about it caught my eye today. I picked it up and looked through it cover to cover - some reading in full detail, some just skimming it.
I just can't get over the differences between now and then. I mean, I could acknowledge the concrete differences which is pretty much everything in my life but that's not really even the part that stuck out to me. It was the differences in how I feel and who I am. Much of that time I felt so very torn - doomed to feel one way but to act another. An incredible amount of worry was directed to what everyone else thought of me - of making sure i's were dotted and t's were crossed. God forbid I do something that people didn't think was perfect. That journal was the beginning of letting that go and I was scared to death. And now, just a few years later, it's hard not to shake my head at myself then and say to the me of that journal: "if you only knew then what was waiting for you on the other side, you never would've let fear reign in your heart so heavily..."
It was a rocky time. I lost friends & respect through it. I believe though (and am grateful that) with some who took the time to look and that I let in, I gained a deeper respect and deeper friendship as a result. But what's made the deepest impact on me has been the ability to feel like my head & my heart match up - no more trying to believe one thing in my head while my heart is screaming something else. I think people will try to read more specifically into that statement than what I mean...it encompasses everything: my relationships, my beliefs, my day-to-day interactions. It's the letting go of over-analyzing everything to death, trying to figure out if it's the "right" thing or not without acknowledging that God speaks to us much more clearly than we're giving him credit to. Learning not to give everyone else's opinions more credit than I give myself.
It almost feels daunting to try to describe the difference in what peace and calm overrides my life now vs. then. I'm not saying this to vent about the past - I'm so far beyond that. But when I read the emotions I penned on those journal pages and knowing exactly what it all felt like, it's hard to not acknowledge the vast differences between then and now. It seems the only way to give the full credit to where I am now is to recognize how far I had been from it. I do recognize a conflicted heart vs. a peaceful one because I've lived it. I could tell in those pages that I was getting a taste of what it meant to live without the stress & conflict in my heart, and that I wanted it; but that I also seemed to have an inherent belief that life was just doomed to be so. My ability to believe in it needed a lot of work. And work I did. The evidence was so bold as I was able to read through the journal and recognize how far I'd come. Not only did I now believe that life wasn't doomed for hopelessness but I also believe in the peace & calm that comes with letting go of so much of the garbage that I finally evicted from my mind.
And I couldn't help but to be proud.
It felt good to see first-hand what I'd accomplished through a lot of hard work & prayer (and I have to give credit to Eric for a lot of hard work too...he listened to and worked through so much that I had questions and doubts about). It's made me a better person. I'm more confident and with that confidence comes less fear. With less fear comes stronger decisions that aren't based in insecurity. What a gift to pass on to my children. I cherish parenting without the veil of insecurity clouding my every move. Not to say I'll be secure in everything I do, but I see a hopeful difference.
So while most blog entries lately have been more light-hearted, I felt the need to reflect on all of this today. While I don't necessarily want to put out all the nitty-gritty details of my life for all to read, it does sometimes feel cathartic to get some big stuff out there. To acknowledge where I've been and where I feel like I'm headed. It feels like someone else may need to hear it. Why go through all this growth and change without sharing the amazing impact it's had? Well, today I was overwhelmed by it and had to share.
Here's to growth. Here's to change. Here's to the wisdom that comes with it. May it never stop.
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