You know, when you go through something difficult - something you know you MUST do but you are scared to death to go through it - the scariest part can be learning who your true friends are through it. I read in a blog post recently about someone who actually lost friends as they were losing weight - the closer they got to meeting their goal, the more jealous some of their friends became, offering every temptation they could to get off track. I don't think that's truly that uncommon. People act out when they feel insecure and having someone that used to make them feel secure suddenly make them feel insecure can be that way.
I've been through some tough stuff in the last few years and long story short, I felt like I'd lost a lot of friends along the way. Often I felt that my very presence created a divide. Very few that actually "turned" on me so-to-speak but there were several that I felt awkward around. I didn't want to and I don't think that they wanted to but there the uneasiness sat in the room, as if it were an invited guest. I hated that guest. Seemed for a while that he followed me everywhere...
Things have really mellowed out though over the summer. A lot of people tell me they notice a change in me - that I've got my smile back. Some people that, I think, thought that I was just jumping off the deep end have had their fears calmed as it's been over a year now and I'm still sane; I still love Jesus as much (I'd actually say more) than I did before; and it's undeniable that I'm just plain happy again. Still, I've been hesitant to be around some folks because I just never knew if that crazy guest would crash my party again.
Tonight I felt like he got the message that he's an unwanted guest - by all parties. Surrounded by some of my most favorite friends who've been in my life for a decade this month, I felt a warmth in their friendship, a depth to their smiles, such an intense welcome...it was an incredibly wonderful time. It was simple, no fanfare to the evening. In fact it was just practicing a song to perform for a wedding but being able to feel "normal" around them and to not have the weight of what's happened overshadowing the moment meant the world to me.
I'm grateful for them and for all of those who have loved me through this time. I'm grateful for those who sought me out to ask the tough questions rather than making assumptions. I'm grateful for those who have had the grace to understand that God does not fit all things into a cookie-cutter plan. (Side thought - if he did, we'd probably be able to figure him out and I don't believe I serve a god that I can fathom in my very finite human mind...but that's for another blog post!) I'm grateful for those who worked through the times that I brought my unwanted guest along. I'm especially grateful for the very few that I let in deep enough to see the whole picture and who treated me with the utmost love & respect and that I've shared the deepest relationships with that I've ever known.
Ahhh...today I feel very blessed.
♥Meg
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