It's more than that though. It was the culmination of this life transformation that I've been undergoing for several years now. An embracing of my ability to do something that I had no clue if I could, but not being afraid to be determined to give it 110% to find out. A few short years ago, I would not have believed that I could endure the physical pain & mental concentration it would take to bring a baby into this world naturally. I wouldn't have believed in myself at all. But today, not only do I believe it but I did it!! That's where this title stems from - the emotional strength that I now know and truly own. Here's a brief synopsis of Addison's birth story, the most amazing day of my life.
I've put a lot of detail into this blog entry more as a journal entry for myself. I don't want to forget what happened and how I felt. If you want the "reader's digest" version, skip down to the bottom. ;)
If you've followed this blog, you know that I was not too thrilled about being induced but being 10 days overdue, the doctor let us go as long as she felt she could safely, especially considering that I had gestational diabetes so there are concerns with the baby being too big. So we headed to the hospital to be induced on Wednesday for our 8:30am appointment; we got there slightly early but they were ready for us. On the way to the room I asked the registration specialist if we could have one of the labor rooms with a birthing tub and was told they don't do that for inductions. When I then asked our nurse, she explained it was because I had to be hooked up to the monitoring system. I was bummed on both accounts because 1) I was counting on the water to help with some of the pain and 2) I hated the idea that I had to be tethered to a machine. Then when she started explaining the different induction meds, she mentioned "cytotec" (sp?). This is a medicine that's actually intended to treat ulcers and some women have died during birth as a result of it being used as a method for induction. Thank God we'd done our homework and knew to refuse it but this was a 3rd strike in my mind and I had to work to push that out and not become disheartened that things were looking kind of tricky to maintain our plan to go completely natural.
I was only dilated to "maybe 2 cm" so they had to force my cervix to open to 4 cm with a foley catheter. It's basically a little balloon that they insert and once my cervix would open to that point, it would pop out and then they could break my water. It was explained that this could take anywhere from 1 hour to 8 hours but the norm was about 4 hours. When it popped out after an hour AND my water broke naturally during that, Eric and I were both so pleased! This really helped us mentally and we were ready to take the increased dosages in pitocin and wait on the contractions to come. During this time, we had the sweetest nurse, Kristen, who was exactly the type of person I needed for that part. She was bubbly, funny and listened to our concerns without making us feel like we didn't have options (even when we really didn't). She helped convince me that the internal monitoring would help me be able to actually move more freely because Sonnie kept moving and the only way I could keep her on the external monitor was to lay in bed: the exact opposite of how I wanted to manage this. It did help - I was able to sit in a couple different seats including the birthing ball all of which seemed to help.
During this beginning part of the day, Eric and I really found a rhythm for dealing with the contractions. He was so amazing...a perfect mix of emotional support, physical support and just coaching to keep me focused on the moment at hand and not getting too far ahead of myself. More on that part of the experience later, though. I hit about 5-6 cm mid-afternoon (I think) and around the same time got a new nurse, Sue. Sue reminded me of Cloris Leachman. Great for comedic value...not the most reassuring as your L & D nurse. She was very nice but she had a hard time with the pain I was in and kept offering me different meds. I kept politely turning her down and eventually the questioning stopped. I found out later that was because my hubby had a quick I've-got-about-2-minutes-before-the-next-contraction-comes-so-listen-closely talk with her to let her know that if I want meds, I'll ask for them; otherwise, stop asking.
Around 5pm-ish, I reached 8 cm and they were calling my doctor. Sue would be off work at 7pm and she was crossing her fingers that I'd have the baby by the time she left. Unfortunately, those were the 2 longest hours of my life as I was at the exact same 8 cm at 7pm as I was at 5pm. I could tell that the level of pain I was dealing with was making everyone uncomfortable b/c even knowing how committed I was to doing this without pain meds, Eric was checking in with me at this point to ask if I was having a change of heart. It was exactly what I needed to hear because I was becoming quite discouraged that I wasn't progressing. I could handle it if I kept moving forward but the idea that I could be stuck at 8 cm for who knew how long was really starting to wear on me. I said I wasn't ready for an epidural yet but if I stayed at an 8 much longer, I might consider it.
At this point we got another nurse, Jennifer, and she was the perfect compliment to Eric's coaching. Eric took care of my emotional side. You hear these stories of how you'll be ordering your husband to get out of your face during delivery but that just wasn't the case for us. Even in preparation for this day, I couldn't imagine myself shouting at him and wanting him away from me... He didn't leave my side for a moment and I never wanted him to. The side rails on the bed made him feel too far away at times even though he leaned over them most of the day to hold my hands and tell me what a great job I was doing. Eric was exactly what I needed throughout the entire process. He was supportive and loving and was all the encouragement I needed to get through each contraction. Going through this with him was so intense and so intimate...there aren't words to say how powerful of an experience it was to share it with him. We truly were one with each other - it was definitive of how much we count on, support and love one another in our marriage.
As I stated, he took care of what I needed emotionally through the process. Jennifer, our 3rd nurse, took care of the more detailed side of birth-coaching to get me out of the 8cm hell I was stuck in. We could tell she had a positive viewpoint on natural birthing which gave me a renewed energy that Cloris wasn't feeding me. Jennifer had me switch positions many times which was incredibly painful but I knew that the intensified pain was what I needed to get this baby out of me. Every time I started to reach a level of tolerance with the contractions (amazing what my definition of pain "tolerance" became at that point!), she had me move. In the meantime, my doctor had arrived and she was in the room with us for nearly the last 2 hours as well. I was impressed that she was so present and not just off in a doctor's lounge somewhere waiting for me to push.
When it came time, my doctor let me stay right as I was on the bed rather than dealing with the stirrups and moving the bottom part of the bed out to catch all the fun stuff afterwards. Again I was impressed that she was just letting me do what I needed to and not being so rigid in "her" way of doing things. I pushed for probably 30-45 minutes. At one point they put the mirror down so that I could be "encouraged" by seeing her head. Gotta admit...it wasn't encouraging. I mean, the fact that her head was there was exciting; it was how little I could see of it, how much it already hurt, and trying to calculate how much more it was going to hurt as I could see more of her head! What I fortunately didn't understand was that the pain was already there...that it didn't actually get worse at that point. (There's something the books don't tell you...) I'm so glad we had the mirror down. No offense to those in the opposite camp but I do not understand why anyone would not want to watch that. It was so amazing to see this life that once never was being born! It was such a beautiful, spiritual experience.
At 9:04pm, Sonnie arrived very healthy at 7 lbs 1 oz, 19 in long, 14 in head circumference, apgar scores of 8 (1 min) & 9 (5 min), and she had all positive test results from the sugar/diabetes testing they did. Her color and level of alertness was ideal. I was able to breastfeed her immediately (though we later found out that my milk supply would be insufficient; at least she got those initial feedings). All the pain I'd just endured was so worth it to see her so alert, responsive and healthy. My in-laws and my parents were able to each take turns coming in right after she was born - it was so special to share that with them. This little life that was only an hour old got to meet her Grandma, Grandpa, Memaw and Papap.
I only had to have one stitch and have truly been amazed at the recovery process. Yes, there have been aches and pains but nothing to the extent I was anticipating. I can't imagine how I would have dealt with her hospital stay at Children's (at 5-7 days old - see "rough week" post) had it been more intense. Overall I feel fantastic and am especially proud to say that at 2 weeks post-partum, I'm back to my pre-pregnancy weight! {Now, to just drop the pre-pregnancy fluff I had ;)} I did have some "baby blues" there for a couple days; a lot of that was right after her being in the hospital/right before Eric went back to work. I've got a super support system though and am feeling a lot better this week. Everyone just let me cry, talk it out, sleep...whatever I needed. I'm not convinced that it's gone for good but I do feel confident that if they creep up again that it's okay as long as I share it with those around me.
Well, that's her story. :) For those scrolling down for the READER'S DIGEST VERSION: Went in at 8:30am. Induced with pitocin and foley catheter around 9:15am - was only 2cm "maybe" at this point. Catheter came out around 10:15am (BIG deal - avg time takes 4 hours, longest could've been 8 hours) which meant I was around 3-4 cm dilated. Got to about 5-6 cm midday. By 5pm hit 8cm, the doctor was called and then I stalled for 2 hours - for those who are unaware, at 8 cm you are in INTENSE pain when you're having contractions!! At 7pm, got a new nurse who had me change positions a lot which got things moving. By some point in the 8 o'clock hour I was pushing and at 9:04pm, Addison "Sonnie" Elaine was born. :) Eric was an amazing coach - I couldn't have done it how I wanted to, naturally, without his love and encouragement. He'd say I'm making too big a deal of his part in it but it's true; nothing embodied the oneness we have with one another like that day did. I fell in love with him all over again.
So if you're still here, thanks for reading about the most amazing experience of my life. Here are some pictures to wrap up what I feel like I'm still coming up short in saying...
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| Weighing in |
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| Cuddled with Daddy |
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| Mommy and baby shortly after giving birth |
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| Daddy's thumb for a little perspective |
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| A smitten Mommy |
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| Beautiful Sonnie |
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